Helping People Through the Grieving Process

Practical Suggestions to Help You Help Someone Else

Dr. Dave Gallagher, Provided by CN Building Adult Ministries Resource Center

Perhaps nothing you do in ministry to older adults is more important than personal contact with people during times of grief. While this can throw you into uncomfortable situations, it’s also where you can make the most difference in people’s lives. As a pastor or leader serving people in the 70+ age group, you’ll inevitably meet with those facing death. If you are a pastor, you will be asked to conduct funerals. Most of us, including pastors, don’t like to think or talk about dying. As a pastor or leader among older adults, however, you must step out of your comfort zone and help people through the grieving process.

If you’ve been uncomfortable about being with people who are grieving, here are some practical suggestions to help you help someone through the grieving process:

1. If you are a pastor, forget most of what you learned in seminary and be yourself. What would you want if you were going through a difficult time? Chances are those you minister to and with would like the same thing. When you are hurting, you certainly do not want someone preaching to you or quoting Bible verses. When my father was critically ill, I was so thankful that a close friend of mine (who was in seminary) was there in the hospital room with me. My friend stood there with me at the bedside in the hospital room, but he remained totally quiet. After my father passed away, the two of us left the hospital room. My friend didn’t say a word. We walked down the long hospital corridor; yet he didn’t say a word. We stepped into the elevator in complete silence. Not one word was spoken even during the long walk out of the lobby across the parking lot to the car. My friend’s arm was around me; I had just lost my father and no words would be appropriate. When we reached the car, the first words were spoken. I looked into the eyes of my friend and quietly whispered, “Thank you, my friend.”
2. It’s not about you or your agenda. I have learned something about clergy. Too often clergy are more interested in conversation and conversion than they are in comfort! We have a message to present to those in need, but often we present that message inappropriately or at the wrong time. Remember that when you are with someone who is grieving, it’s not about you, it’s about them. This is not your time; it’s their time, their moment, their crisis, and the best thing we can ever do at that moment is be quiet and be compassionate. When someone comes to my office for counseling, I sit for 45 minutes basically listening. At the end of the session they usually stand up and say, “Pastor, you have helped me so much.” Oh, occasionally, I ask a good question and then sit back and listen for five or 10 minutes. I may even give a nod, tip my head, or scoot my chair a little closer so we are knee to knee for a good cry, but I’m the listener, not the talker, in most instances. God uses those times of listening and asking a few questions to allow the grieving person to cry and unscramble their feelings to make a bit of sense in their life. Remember that it hurts so much to talk and to remember, but it hurts more to remember and not talk.
3. Understand some of the misunderstandings about grief. One misunderstanding is that we think it hurts too much to remember a painful experience. In so thinking, we try to cover up the reality of the loss. Grief is not a process of forgetting and moving on. Grief is a process of learning to cope while we remember! Most of us have been taught to give answers and this is especially true for Pastors and leaders in the church. Pastors have huge libraries and stand in front of groups of people using PowerPoint presentations and often quoting from memory theological theories and Bible verses. But when it comes to helping someone through the grieving process, forget all that. Grief is the process that brings healing. Grief is not something to be feared and avoided. We also need to understand a misunderstanding about sympathy. We may think that sympathy makes it worse – it doesn’t. I try to encourage people to understand that loss, and death in particular, is better understood as a transition. When we realize that life is limited, we can get on with living to the maximum.
4. Check your own attitudes, feelings, and emotions. We must learn to be sensitive to the Spirit’s leading. We must allow people time to deal with their feelings. We must allow those who are grieving to talk about their feelings and then provide them with some helpful resources. Here are some resources that I have found very helpful:
5. Let Scripture and the Holy Spirit empower you. Scriptures like Psalm 139:6-12, Matthew 5:3-8, or 1 Corinthians 15:20-26. An excellent book that is highly practical and filled with encouraging Scriptures is written by Warren and David Wiersbe, Ministering to the Mourning (Moody Publishers: 2006). Another practical book that may be very helpful is by Neville A. Kirkwood, Pastoral Care in Hospitals (Morehouse Publishing: 2005).
6. Offer grief support. Experiencing loss offers a choice. We may choose to become a bitter person or we may choose to become a better person. That’s where grief support groups can be extremely helpful. One of the first reactions people have as they experience loss is to pull inside and close others out. That’s the worst thing that can happen, and that’s one good reason to have solid grief support resources and groups available. That’s also why I wrote the book, Healing Takes Time. This book is intended to give encouragement and strength over a period of time. It may be a useful resource for individual or group grief support.

^{CareNotes (Abbey Press: 1990)}

^{Feeling the Good in Grief (American Tract Society: 1992)}

^{Gallagher, David P. Healing Takes Time. Collegeville, MN: Liturgical Press, 2005}

^{GriefShare, www.griefshare.org}

^{How Can I Live with My Loss? (RBC Ministries: 1992)}

^{Keller, Paul F. I Will trust God. Kairos: 1984}

^{Scriptographic Booklets (Channing L. Bete Co., Inc.: 1976)}

^{Shaw, Eva. What to do When a Loved One Dies. Irvine, CA: Dickens Press, 1994}