Archive for March, 2010

Few educators have impacted the evangelical world like the man whom his students reverently call “Prof.” Howard Hendricks has given a lifetime to building into the lives of men and women who have touched millions with the gospel.

Dr. Joseph Stowell. Moody Bible Institute, “I’ve watched Howard Hendricks with admiration, and I’ve asked God if I could please have the same consistency and integrity in my life.”

Dr. Tony Evans, Dallas TX, “There was always an encouragement from him, a challenge from him, and it gave me an inspiration that I have not yet shaken.”

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Meet Gordon MacDonald at 2010 ILC—Atlanta!

Provided by CN Building Adult Ministries Resource Center

I am at a stage of life when there is more time for personal and reflective conversations with people in Christian leadership. No longer do I live under the weight of budgets, long-range plans, and building programs. I have graduated from staff meetings and calls on major donors. That kind of “fun” stuff is for men and women younger than me.

I like to think that now when I talk with colleagues the subject matter is more about ideas and aspirations. My “office” may be a car while driving to or from an airport, or a table in a restaurant, or some corner during break-time at a pastors conference. The locality may be Europe, Asia, or somewhere here in North America.

The kind of office or the locality actually makes little difference. The subjects, if you’re on a personal level, are almost always the same. Usually, one only has to say: “How’s your world in 70 words or less?” Or, “Tell me your whole life story in, let’s say, about four minutes?” Perhaps: “In your idle times, what are some of the things you find yourself thinking about most?” If one is willing to listen (and I’m getting that way), there are lots of things to be learned.

Right off the top I’ll tell you this: most young leaders I talk to are a different breed than the kind I grew up with. And this gladdens me. I fear that more of me and my generation might be deadly for the cause.  But more of these younger folks?  Hope rises.

For the most part, I regard the new young leaders with affection. I like them, respect them, and believe in them.

But—being older—I do worry about them. There is a certain fatherly side of me which, if unchecked, tempts me to offer advice not sought, tell stories not relevant, and conjure up gloomy predictions not necessarily reliable. It’s difficult, but I resist this temptation whenever I can or whenever my observant wife overhears me and signals caution.

Back to these conversations. Let me tell you what I most often hear in response to my questions. Lots about vision: creative and exciting things (that I would never have thought of) designed to draw people to Jesus and build his church. Lots about re-directing the focus of Christ-followers and their resources to the larger world of human need and tragedy. And lots about creative technology to communicate and enhance connections among people. This is really good.

By contrast, what isn’t good is the number of conversations which center on spiritual dryness and the fact that the private devotional life of some isn’t going well at all. There are too many conversations about stressed and fractured marriages and families. Oh, and too many conversations about pressure and the numbing exhaustion that comes with work that has no ending.

Somewhere I came across the comments of 4th century, John Chrysostom who, concerned for the pastor/priests with whom he talked wrote, “The priest’s wounds require greater help, indeed as much as those of all the people together…because of heavy demands and extraordinary expectations associated with pastoral office.” If I could email John Chrysostom, I’d say, “Thanks for the heads-up, but nothing’s changed.”

But having identified a few prevailing topics of conversation, let me go on to this: what isn’t talked about? Raising this question is risky because I suspect some will pop up and say, “that’s not my experience.” But in the pursuit of thoughtfulness, let me go out on two or three limbs anyway.

Here are three themes I’m not hearing much about. Each is likely to provoke or irritate sensibilities or cause someone to wonder where in the world I’m coming from. The themes are not related at all except that they tend to drop between the cracks of discussion.

If You Really Believe it, Better Talk More About it

The first. The doctrine of eternal judgment: rarely discussed any more, as far as I can see, in polite company. Now I know that eternal judgment is a rather heavy subject to launch into while in traffic coming out of the airport. Imagine someone saying soon after they are seat-belted in, “Had any thoughts about hell lately?”

But here’s a thought. If hell is what I was taught in my childhood—something akin to a perpetual lake of fire—it ought to be never far from our minds or our lips. After all, given the orthodox claim that those running from God have a dark destiny, wouldn’t you expect more passion about this? Isn’t silence on the matter kind of immoral? Like knowing a bridge is out just ahead and failing to warn oncoming drivers?

Few, in my hearing, have stated the implications of hell more candidly than a man I heard one night on Christian radio as I drove a rented car in a strange city. He’d been responding to mostly trivial questions phoned in by listeners, and I found myself amused by conversations which I thought reminiscent of the old angels-on-the-head-of-a-pin issue.

But then a woman called to say that she’d lost a life-long friend to cancer whom she had repeatedly begged to “accept Christ.” He hadn’t, and now he was gone.

“My question is this,” she said. “Is there any way he might possibly be in heaven now? Or is he in hell? And if he’s in hell, what’s it like?” Now that’s a show-stopper. I’d have suggested a commercial break so that I could organize my thoughts (“And now a friendly word from your local funeral director…”).

But the radio guy merely paused to take what I thought was a deep breath, and then he said (he really said this!), “Well, the Bible teaches that hell is a place you go to if you haven’t accepted Christ, and you suffer there for ever and ever and ever.” I can hear the words now, spoken slowly, ponderously, assertively.

The caller began to weep. And I myself, as I drove, was overwhelmed by a sense of hopelessness and a realization that I had not heard anyone speak of hell so bluntly for a long, long time. I wanted to weep too.

As I processed this radio conversation, I realized that the radio guy was speaking—even if insensitively—the core of traditional Christian doctrine regarding eternal punishment.

And woe to him or her who would disagree with him. A certain rather well-known pastor did, in effect, disagree with him recently and stated publicly and clearly that he no longer believed in the long-established message of hell. The result: he has lost almost all of his congregation and their property. He has earned the ire and brutal criticism of a host of one-time friends. I suspect that, had he kept his theological opinion to himself, he’d still have the building, the people, and all the one-time “friends.”

At the risk of attracting the critic, let me state what I’m observing. Fewer and fewer people are talking about hell because fewer and fewer people—the man on the radio a clear exception—believe in it from an operational sense. Hell has become an anachronism to many: affirmed, perhaps, in doctrinal statements, occasionally mentioned in relatively antiseptic terms, and used more and more to describe terrible, tragic moments in someone’s life as in “he’s going through hell right now.”

But hell as a place of eternal suffering from which there is no return? This, I suggest to you, has been excised from most seeker-friendly sermons, from most discipleship curriculums, and most conversations in which people are pointed toward Christ.

I have experimented with my observation. In a conversational lull at lunch time, I have said to someone, “Look around at all the people in this restaurant. Do you believe that a significant percentage of them are going to hell?” There is usually a ponderous silence, and then something like, “Boy, that’s a heavy. I don’t know what to say…I guess I know what I should say…but…” Or, “So they say, but who are we to judge?”

Eternal judgment and hell rarely comes up in conversations I have unless I raise it. It is apparently a subject just better left lying on the theological shelf rather than embraced or renounced. I’m not advocating for this. I’m just putting into words what I’m seeing…or not hearing.

I do have a problem with this state of affairs. If hell is not a secondary doctrine, if we are willing to break connection with someone who renounces the idea, then aren’t we morally obligated to become more vocal about the fact that we do believe hell to be a place, an on-going experience, something from which there is no extrication…and (by the way) that more than a few people are headed there?

I raise this rarely discussed subject because it’s too important a matter to ignore.  If we believe what the radio-guy says, then we must become more articulate about it. And if we do not, then we need some freshened theology to help us understand the eternal direction of the person who diverges from God by choice, neglect, or ignorance.

I bet fewer people will be picking me up at airports from now on.

If it’s So Important, Why Are We Vague About Its Results?

Here’s a second missing topic in most conversations. Amidst all the talk about contemporary and ancient/future worship, I almost never hear anyone speculate on what a genuine event of worship ought to produce in a person or a people. Not for a few minutes or a few hours, but over a substantial period of time.

Like everyone I’ve been up to my ears in conversations about worship styles (about hymnbooks and screens, about drums and organs, about song-leaders and worship leaders and whether or not they should jump or just stand still and wave their arms). I’m weary of the debate over old hymns and contemporary songs. And I’m a bit brittle on the subject of how long a sermon should last (I had to listen to 50-60 minute sermons when I was a kid…why can’t the young generation learn to suffer like I did?)

But here’s what’s missing. It is rare to hear anyone say, “I’d like to explore the impacts that true worship makes upon people.” Or, “When a person has engaged with God (and his people) in the act of worship, how is that person supposed to be changed?” Or what about this? “What is the difference between a person who has met God and one who has merely experienced a temporary adrenalin high?”

I think I could miss an airplane flight to have a conversation that started in such a way.

When I search the Bible for worship experiences, I see the diversity of styles we often discuss. But, more importantly, I see similar outcomes. Styles of worship were relatively insignificant; outcomes were everything.

A reading of Revelation’s first chapter reveals John, a man at worship who, when it was over, came out the other end inspired and eloquent, elevated and humbled, passionate to relate what he had experienced. I’d like to hear more speculation on what actually happened to him. And to Abraham at his altar, Moses at his bush, and Ezekiel by his river. To say the last, changed people: all of them. Changed!

In my conversations I sometimes ask “What would you say are the three most memorable experiences you have ever had in worship?” And, “how were you different when that experience ended?” Again, “Are there any ingredients in the act of true worship which always ought to happen?” And again: “Is there a difference between worship and praise?”

I must tell you that relatively few people answer the first of these questions immediately. It is not uncommon for someone to remain silent for several minutes as they think. One might even hear, “Ummm…that’s an interesting question…I’ve never quite thought about it…give me a minute (or two).”

I am bothered by this silence when it occurs. Now, I am not a serious researcher like George Barna, for example, who must have oodles of statistics and comments on questions like these. I only approach these things intuitively with a listening ear. But I can tell you my overall impression. Too few people seem to have an answer to my questions. And if they have answers, it seems to take a lot of time to produce them.

My point? I think we need a few conferences and seminars NOT on song-writing, NOT on stage-technology, NOT on dancing. But on what it is that is suppose to happen when people actually come into worshipful contact with the God who is above all “gods.”

As a person graced with occasional invitations to speak in various places, I am accustomed to being informed before a meeting as to the order of events preceding my talk. I usually hear, “We’re going to start out with a time of worship,” someone says. Then we’ll introduce you.”  (There then follows the question: how do you want to be introduced…which is always a strain on one’s humility).

“Worship” in such conditions usually means 25+ minutes of singing (standing, of course) and which usually includes (like the National Anthem) a mandatory rendition of Shout to the Lord (I sing Shout to the Lord at least three times a week and can now sing it in Greek, Korean, and Afrikaans…just kidding).

In my youthful days, what is now called worship was called the song-service. I think our name was more descriptive and more accurate because that was what we did: sing. It was what it was: cheering for God or Jesus, reveling in good things that were happening to us, making musical promises we might or might not keep.

From where I see things, the clearest tutorial on worship-outcomes (something quite different) is found in Isaiah’s account of his vision in the temple (Isaiah 6). We seem to have in this chapter a step-by-step description of the process one might experience in genuine worship. This assumes, of course, that you agree with me that Isaiah was worshipping.

There is, first of all, a recognition of majesty. Then a sudden, rather blunt awareness of one’s own brokenness of life. There follows a declaration of deep repentance, and a transaction of forgiveness and absolution. Finally there is a hearing of God’s voice as one’s life is freshened and redirected at the end. When it was over, Isaiah left the scene of worship a changed man with new priorities and a sharpened call to prophetic activity.

These are worship-outcomes worth pondering. Do they happen in many places where people claim they are worshipping? And is anyone talking about it?

Incidentally, I have absolutely no desire to return to yesterday’s forms of “worship.” The three-songs, announcements and offering, solo and sermon order of worship from my childhood was rather un-inspiring. No, I’m less inclined to worry about the how and more about the question what-difference-does-it-make? And on that subject, I find most people sadly silent.

If Love is our Main Game, Why Do So Many of us Often Feel Unsafe?

While I’m on a roll, let me mention another matter not often raised in conversation: the quality of our Christian discourse. Specifically, the ability to talk about controversial or disagreeable subjects where we may have to agree to disagree but still like each other.

I am thinking, for example, of ethical, political, theological, or social matters that need to be aired and explored from all sides and perspectives—not just the side that represents a particular ideology or political party or the opinions of certain influential people with whom one dares not disagree.

I long for conversations where there is a freedom to say, “I don’t see it that way…” or “I hear you, but have you considered…” or “You know what? I never saw it that way, and I actually think I’m going to have change my mind.”

My opinion? Most of us are not in a movement that excels in creative disagreement or dignified dialogue. I really regret this. I wish I’d been better trained in my younger years to be able to look a brother or sister in the eye and say with sincere love, “you and I have different opinions and that’s just fine.”

We are a people who yearn for community and the love that binds it together. But this love too often seems conditional. It seems to weaken when brothers and sisters discover that they have differing convictions on this or that. The gospel’s power to hold people in tight connection despite variances of persuasion appears to be wanting in moments like these.

Recently I entered a banquet hall teaming with people who are busy here and there in evangelical Christian activity. Can I confess that, as I came through the door, I felt, introvert that I am, a heat of anxiety begin to rise in my heart, and I wondered why? And then it occurred to me that I felt less than safe. When I defined my tentativeness, I realized it centered on expectations that I would be cornered by those who wanted me to join or endorse or give to something in which they were interested. And I realized that I was also cautious about meeting up with certain people who would want to take me to the cleaners about a position I’d taken (or not taken) in something I’d written or said publicly.

In short, I was afraid of being put on a spot where I’d have to say no or that I didn’t agree. Am I the only one who goes through moments like that?

But then there are other, much better, experiences of talking. Yesterday, I sat at lunch with a pastor who is in a moment in his life where he is terribly suffering. We selected a table in a quiet corner of the restaurant and spent two hours in personal conversation. Our topics covered a vast array of matters: our families, our work, national affairs, the way he is handling his present pain (and it is no small matter).

When it finally became apparent that we both needed to end the conversation and head in different directions, I found myself almost exhilarated by the time we had spent together. Without thinking I reached across the table and put my hand on his and said, “I love talking with you.”

And the truth is that I did love talking with him. The words between us had flowed. There had been no fear that a wrong thing might be said. There was a care in listening in order to tease out everything the other person was saying. There was no reluctance to speak of things we believed God was saying into our lives through our reading, other people, and our daily experience. And there was complete candor when it came to the asking of personal questions and the assessment of the implications of a dreadful moment in one’s life-journey.

I had the feeling that our conversation could have lasted for hours, and, already, I am looking forward to the next time when he and I shall meet probably at that same table.

This is the way things ought to be between brothers and sisters in the Lord when they talk.

So if you and I meet at an airport, or over breakfast, or at the break-time of a conference, you now know what I’m liable to bring up in the way of questions. And if the questions are bothersome to you, let me know in advance. I’m a New Englander, and we can always talk about the Patriots or the Red Sox.


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The Staple of a Growing Second Half Ministry

Dr. Charles Arn

Provided by CN Building Adult Ministries Resource Center

Small groups are one of the great vehicles to deliver Christ’s love and healing to mature adults.  Unfortunately, most middle and senior adult ministries do little to encourage small group involvement for members.

Why Small Groups?

Through small groups your mature adults will:


  1. experience a sense of belonging to a family/ community;
  2. receive and give love and care;
  3. learn and grow in God’s Word and its application;
  4. reach out to those not yet in the community of faith.

How to Start A Senior Adult Small Group

Six important issues to consider before you begin a new group.  Answer these questions prior to each new group you begin and you will find your success rate to be high:

1. Who is our target audience? The more specifically you define the kind of people for whom the group is intended, the more likely the new group will be successful.  “Older Adults” is marginal.  “Older women” is better.  “Older women between 60 ‑ 70” is better still.  “Older women between 60 ‑ 70 who are widows and enjoy traveling” will give you the best chance of a successful group.

2. What kind of group would best meet their needs? One way to answer this question is to conduct several focus groups.  A focus group is a 45‑minute interview with a group of 8 – 12 people who represent your target audience.  The purpose is to find out the important issues, questions, problems and concerns of these people, so that the group’s activities will addresses their needs.  Don’t presume you know your target group’s needs, or how they see the world.  Focus groups will teach you much you didn’t know that will make your group successful.

3. Who will lead the group? A small group leader should a) be mature in the faith, b) be teachable, c) be similar to the target audience, d) have natural leadership qualities, and e) be supportive of church leadership and the older adult ministry directions.  Often it is easier, and more desirable, to recruit two leaders than one.

4. Will training be necessary for the leader?  How will it occur? The kind of group should determine the kind of leader training.  As a rule, the more intimate you expect the relationships within the group to become, the more important will be leadership training.  Some of the best training occurs through modeling/ mentoring in a similar group.

5. What support will the leader need to assure success? A monthly meeting of small group leaders to encourage and support them in their role will go a long way toward maintaining morale, facilitating communication, and resolving small problems.

6. When, where, and for how long will the group meet? When and where are best left to the discretion of the group.  How long depends on the group’s purpose.  People who have not been previously involved in a group are more likely to make a short‑term commitment (12 weeks or less).  Unchurched people prefer an even shorter commitment (4 ‑ 6 weeks).  Once the group approaches the pre‑determined completion date, give them control over their own destiny.  If they wish to continue meeting (over half the groups usually do) let them decide.

Small groups have become a staple in the life of most growing churches.  That is because they bring many benefits to participants, both those who are inside the church and those who have not yet become involved.  So, why not take a proven winner, and apply it to the older adult ministry in your church?  The excitement a good small group strategy can bring to an older adult ministry is contagious and will last for years to come.

Dr. Charles Arn is President of Church Growth, Inc., Monrovia CA




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James L. Knapp, Ph.D.

Provided by CN Building Adult Ministries Resource Center

Are Seminaries doing a disservice to ministerial students and the churches they will pastor?

When the 20th century began, life expectancy in the United States was 47 years.  By the end of the 20th century, a typical American lived into his or her mid-70s.  The phenomenal increase in life expectancy can be attributed to a number of factors including better nutrition, improved sanitation, and a myriad of advancements in the healthcare field.

Taken together, these factors have allowed millions of Americans to live longer, healthier lives and, at the same time, have led to the emergence of professional areas like geriatrics which focuses on the biological and medical aspects of aging as well as gerontology which focuses on the psychological, social, and economic impact of an aging population.  More recently, the field of social work has used a generous grant from the Hartford Foundation to develop a specialty for those interested in working with individuals in the later stages of life.

Noticeably absent from the list of professionals who are being trained to work with older individuals are those who focus on spiritual matters.  The graying of the American population and the importance of religion in the lives of older adults suggests that members of the clergy need to be well informed regarding the processes and realities of aging.  However, research conducted in this area over the last 35 years indicates that such is not the case.

In a survey of 131 seminaries fully accredited by the Association of Theological Schools, I found that the level of interest in this area remains marginal.  Provided below are five major findings from my study:

1)    Only 7% of the schools indicated that they had at least one required course that focused predominately on the needs and concerns of older adults

2)    48% had an elective course focused predominately on older adults and 72% offered an elective in which at least a portion of the content focused on older adults

3)    The overwhelming majority of the courses were offered in the areas of pastoral care and counseling though some courses could also be found in Christian education

4)    65% of the responding schools indicated that they did not plan to modify their curriculum to increase the emphasis on the needs and concerns of older adults

5)    Of the limited number who indicated that they did plan to modify their curriculum, only 2% said they were planning to add a required course that exposed their students to the processes and realities of aging

For more than three decades, gerontologists have been encouraging theological educators to place an increased emphasis in their curriculum on the needs and concerns of older adults in order to better equip pastors to minister to, and with, older adults.  While there appears to be a small glimmer of hope, for the most part, gerontological content remains a minor consideration in the vast majority of seminaries.  More disturbing, however, is that an alarmingly small number of schools plan to increase the emphasis on older adults in their curriculum.

Just as gerontologists have come to realize that understanding the aging process involves recognizing the importance of spiritual matters, theological educators must also recognize that effective ministry involves an understanding of the changes that occur as one moves through the life cycle.  It would seem difficult for a pastor to effectively respond to the needs of an older parishioner if the pastor had a limited understanding of the process and realities of aging.

Seminaries must infuse their curriculum with gerontological content in order for their graduates to be adequately prepared for ministry in 21st century America.  To do otherwise is not only a disservice to their students but also to the churches that will eventually be pastored by their graduates.

James L. Knapp is professor of sociology at Southeastern Oklahoma State University in Durant, Oklahoma.



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Theresa McKenna

Provided by CN Building Adult Ministries Resource Center

FACING THE ‘DOUBLE BIND’ OF BEING BOTH SENIOR AND SINGLE

The mail can be brutal. Medicare supplemental insurance offerings. Senior discounts for magazine subscriptions. Hearing aid ads. Long-term care insurance. A letter offering inexpensive cremation! There should be a law against delivering more than one of these heinous pieces of junk mail per week! Ughh! Remember how amusing it was to have received our AARP notification with our life long partner at our elbow? It probably got tossed into the recycle bin knowing that life was good and we never felt better. There comes a time, however when it ceases to be funny.

Perhaps you are one of the millions for whom life has drastically changed, not just because of age, but because of the death of a spouse or a divorce. In spite of ever increasing longevity, the average age of widowhood is fifty-six according to our most recent census. Middle and late-age divorce has tripled in the past decade. And with those statistics, almost inevitably, we discover that we face a double bind; being both senior and single.

Common sense tells us that marriage (confirmed by a recent study conducted by John Gottman) is substantially beneficial to our physical and mental health, especially in our later years. So, the process of being well and staying well because we are not married often gets turned upside down. When a spouse dies, or divorces, there is a well-documented grief process that includes serious physiological and psychological downturns. For some people, the grief is so severe that it actually results in the loss of their own will to survive and thrive.

Obviously, one of the very reasons why marriage is good for people is because the relationship gets individuals outside of themselves. There is someone else to live for. Going out to dinner, to the movies, the golf course, or just a walk around the block are all more interesting with someone else. Alone–life can be uninteresting. What’s worse is that it can be very depressing. As a single, you may be more inclined to eat cold spaghetti out of a can in front of the kitchen sink than sit down at the table with a healthy meal in front of you.

Self care through collective support

Taking care of ourselves, for ourselves and not for someone else, means that we have hope for the future and that we still believe that we are of significance in the kingdom of God. Sometimes, we do not understand how God could have allowed our circumstances to happen, but one thing that God is very clear about in His word is the importance of community. The value of staying connected to friends while in the midst of transition cannot be overstated. There are wonderful and extremely helpful grief classes, (often available in our local church) which can be a beneficial for anyone who has recently experienced the loss of a loved one. Still, as good as a grief class may be, it will soon be over. As a life coach, one of the things that I encourage is the development of a personal support system for these major transitional episodes.

A personal support system of this type is very special. It is not a grief support group although it may function that way from time to time. Your support system needs to be at least three people, no more than seven. Five is a good number. The members do not have to be your close friends, although you will want a couple of your close friends to be among them. You may want to include a pastor or a grief counselor. This group needs to be made up of people with whom you can cry without embarrassment and laugh until you’re incontinent.

Most importantly, they have to be people with whom you feel safe to be completely honest when they ask the hard questions. You will want people who are compassionate and not judgmental. Ask them to call you and check in on you at least once every couple of weeks. Ask for permission to call them when you find yourself struggling or faltering in your process. Your support system has a special job. They have the task of holding you accountable to take care of yourself. And they have the privilege of walking along side while you do!

In preparing to develop a support system, think and pray about whom you can count on. You probably have significant elements of such a system in place without realizing it. Second, and perhaps most importantly, you must share with each individual that you are asking them to have a special responsibility in your life. We cannot assume that someone will take this role without being asked to do so. On the other hand, you don’t want to turn every relationship into an accountability relationship. There has to be a limit to the number.

What kind of accountability are you looking for?

Emotional well-being

Loneliness is an easy trap to fall into. As singles, we often feel like a fifth wheel – like we are the only ones not in a couple relationship. What’s worse, we really miss being part of a couple.  However, we are not alone; especially those of us who are women. More than half of the women over the age of sixty-five are single. A good support system can help us find new friends, both single and married, with whom you can share meals, hobbies, social activities and a sense of affinity. Many people say that as the time approaches to get out and socialize, there is an overwhelming sense of dread. Having taken that step to get out and about, however, most people say that they are glad they made the effort. Give your group members permission to nudge you out the door.

Spiritual questions

Grief hurts. The physical and emotional pain of grief can provoke some serious spiritual questions. Make sure that at least one or two of your appointed support system can help you process your spiritual concerns. Perhaps, among your group, there is someone who can be with you at church where the pews take on an alien sense of isolation. Don’t be shocked if you find yourself pondering anew questions about God that you thought were settled for you. It is perfectly normal and you will need someone to talk it through with you.

Physical health

Physical activity is the best antidote to ageing. According to John Medina, author of Brainrules, it helps our brains process both information and emotions. Making exercise a priority will go a long way in making the transition easier and faster. It is a very good reason to consider making one of your support buddies a walking or gym partner. There is so much to say about the issue of ageing and physical well being that it is recommended that you hit the bookstore for fresh publications about this topic.

Relationship issues

A good support system can be especially helpful in keeping us balanced as we work through our grief. Grief is often complex, meaning that it can represent sadness that accumulates with layer upon layer of loss in our lives. It is not uncommon to discover long buried hurts dealing with siblings, other family and friends, and even issues with the one who has gone on, to surface. When they do, they often take us by surprise. We need to be able to talk these through. Your support system will be there for you.

As time goes by, your support system may be there to celebrate with you when you meet another person whose presence tugs at your heart, or they may need to be there to challenge the soundness of such a relationship. In the midst of transition, we cannot always be counted upon to make the wisest decisions. A healthy support system confirms Proverbs 13:10b. “…wisdom is found in those who take advice.”

Financial concerns

Financial issues can be catastrophic for the senior single. There is no going back. There are no “do overs.” And time is not on our side. We all hear about seniors being the victims of financial scams. but even without becoming the prey of some hideous criminal, we are very vulnerable. Again, this is especially applicable to women. One year post divorce, the average mid-life woman remains single with an average income of $11,300. Over 58% of female baby boomers have less than $10,000 saved in a pension plan or 401(k) plan. In comparison, male boomers have saved three times more in pension programs.

Trusted support members can ask you relevant questions about your financial well being. They can help guide you and advise you. Remember that you must be willing to disclose the truth.

Remarriage

Obviously, many older singles do not want to live out the rest of their lives alone. According to some reports by Internet dating services, seniors are joining on-line dating services at a much faster pace than any other age group. For others, the idea of remarriage is anything but appealing. Although some may desire the love and companionship of another partner, it simply isn’t a possibility for many older women who outnumber senior men by an approximate ratio of three to one. Other researchers claim that older women may be reluctant to re-up for traditional gender roles of a previous marriage. The idea of caring for another person is less appealing to many women who have managed to thrive on their own.

Although the emotional issues may be very compelling, the truth is that remarriage for senior-age men and women is mired in trouble. Not only does it threaten pensions, it frequently sends terror into the hearts of adult children. They express frustration with having to deal with a new stepparent and his or her family at a time when they may be dealing with their own personal family challenges. They also worry about the inheritances that could be lost in a marriage where the biological parent dies first or the new step parent exhausts the funds with potential health care costs. As a result, marriage rates for older adults have remained flat.

More and more over the age of sixty-five are choosing to live together rather than getting married. According to AARP, the 2000 census found nearly 267,000 unmarried couples over the age of sixty-five were living together in the U.S. representing a 46% increase just between the years of 1996 and 2000. Such a pragmatic arrangement, according to those surveyed, allows for a sharing of expenses while keeping both private and governmental pensions intact.

Another dubious option has recently surfaced. In the state of Washington, for example, state lawmakers intentionally added a section to the domestic partnership law that typically centers the debate around homosexual couples. This inclusion allows heterosexual couples, where at least one of them is over the age of sixty-two to register as domestic partners. Apparently, at least three other states have similar registries and more are expected as the number of states codifying domestic partnerships increase.

While there certainly is a compassionate understanding of the financial dilemma that many seniors face, these are disturbing trends. “Marriage penalty” has a different definition for seniors struggling to simultaneously maintain financial viability and Judeo-Christian values. It certainly appears that this is an issue that must be raised in the future for federal and state government review.

2000 census

Gottman, considered by many to be a pioneer in the field of marriage research, is the James Mifflin Professor in the department of psychology at the University of Washington in Seattle.

2000 census: John Medina, Brainrules, 2008 Pear Press

The Senior Source Statistics and Aging: The Spokesman-Review, Spokane WA.

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Brenda A. Smith

Provided by CN Building Adult Ministries Resource Center

I TOOK A 4,000-MILE JOURNEY DOWN MEMORY LANE AFTER DAD DIED … AND IT FELT LIKE HE WAS RIDING SHOTGUN.

It was going to be the road trip of a lifetime: three weeks, 4,000 miles, and 16 states. And just me, all alone, in my bright blue PT Cruiser.

Well, not quite alone. In some ways, my dad would be taking this trip down memory lane with me. Dad’s own earthly journey had ended just a month before at Medical City Hospital, 92 years—and countless memories—after it had begun.

My trip began with a prayer and three daily goals:

•  Stay off the Interstate

•  Meet an interesting person or have an interesting experience

•  Introduce spiritual ideas into a conversation—what I call “saying a word for Jesus.”

Dad had only viewed the PT Cruiser in a brochure from his hospital bed, saying, “I’ll see it when I get home.” But he went home to heaven, not Parkchester Drive in Dallas. Still, as I hit the road it almost felt as if Dad were riding shotgun, my memories of him traveling with me mile after mile.

I WONDER AS I WANDER

By the time I was in first grade, Dad recognized my eagerness to accompany him on his business speaking engagements—and Mom urged me to share these experiences. A little gray suit with black patent leather Mary Janes—hey, this was the ’50s—became my “working clothes.” Seatbelt laws were decades away, so, snuggled next to Dad in the front seat, I began a lifetime of exploration.

President Eisenhower’s dream of an Interstate highway system still hadn’t materialized, so Dad and I traveled the great national roads, marked by service station towers visible for miles and motor inns shaped like teepees. He taught me to wonder as we wandered. “See that airplane? We’ll drive two days to get where it will be in five hours.” How could that be? “Never lose your imagination,” he counseled. “Never lose your awe of life.”

Fast forward to 2007. Somewhere in Wisconsin, I popped in a Pavarotti cd, thinking of Dad. “You never even consider he’d miss a note, do you? He hits the note directly in the center. The sign of genius is how easy it looks to others. Remember, your unique abilities can be discovered by seeing what you enjoy working on, like Pavarotti enjoys vocalizing.”

Many dads took their children camping; mine took me to the encampments of culture. He introduced me to gypsy music in Washington, D.C., opera in Cincinnati, symphonies at Carnegie Hall in New York, and Dixieland in New Orleans. Each time, he taught me to hear what the musician was “saying,” to discern the nuances of the performance. Dad thoroughly enjoyed musicians who “played the cracks.” He wanted me to see beyond the obvious.

“Take the gift that God has given you, and use it, and you will stand before great men.” Dad’s paraphrase of Proverbs 18:16 became his life verse, and his resolve to “stretch others” determined the direction of his life. He looked at each experience as opportunity for growth and productivity. He embraced hard times with even greater relish than the easy ones.

COACH ON THE SIDELINES

As I drove, I laughed as I thought of Dad’s intense desire for me to discipline my spirit. The Bible calls it self-control; Dad called it “getting hold of yourself.” His desire for me to grow tougher skin often resulted in little girl tears and a quick change of conversational topic.

Driving through Michigan, I remembered the 1980s and the end of my 20-year marriage. At the time, I sat for days on the couch—till Dad, impatient with my inertia, phoned to “check on my progress.” A short, handwritten note shook me out of my despondency: “Better is the person who controls his spirit than the one who controls a city.” Just like that, I was back in the car, listening to those mental discipline lessons!

About mile 1,200 on my recent trip, these memories flooded back, and I realized the great gift Dad gave me: confidence to get moving. After my divorce, Dad and I met weekly for breakfast. He’d say, “I can’t play the game for you, but I am a good coach on the sidelines.”

I tried to evoke sympathy by telling him sad stories. He saw right through my avoidance techniques with a favorite phrase: “Show me the baby, don’t tell me about the labor pains.” Those words prodded me into productivity and a fulfilling career. He chose to be a father whose guidance, grit, and gumption prepared me not only for hard times, but for success.

SPIRITED DEBATE

Dad encouraged my faith by allowing me to freely express the doctrinal positions I held dearly—and he exercised his paternal privilege of disagreeing on many points. Those lively discussions drew us closer to the Lord and to each other. “How can I deprive you of the right to be fervently wrong?” he laughingly chided—but I think he secretly enjoyed the Calvinist leanings of his firstborn.

Some of our more spirited arguments came after Mom and Dad moved into my home in 2000, after his health began to deteriorate. Packing, remodeling, adjusting, and more adjusting soon followed. At night, I journaled about the journey, calling it “Musings and Amusings about Caregiving.” It didn’t take long to see that the musings far outweighed the amusings.

But it wasn’t long before I shifted my thinking by living out one of Dad’s cardinal principles: “The things you cry about today, you will laugh about tomorrow.” Fear, frailty, and finality seem to be strange material for comedy, but by taking the long view, we laughed. By taking himself less seriously, Dad taught me the healing value of humor.

Caregiving, like aging, isn’t for sissies. It was a constant struggle. Mom grew weak as she succumbed to the ravages of Parkinson’s disease. She died in 2004, after she and Dad had been married for 67 years.

DON’T DO A SARAH

Meanwhile, Dad was battling end stage renal disease and colon disorders. During one hospitalization shortly before his death, Dad blessed me without ceremony, ritual, or rite. He simply reminded me to trust in God and forego my natural tendency to accomplish in my own way.

After listening to one of my dilemmas, he looked up from his hospital bed and said, “Don’t do a Sarah, Brenda. You’ve prayed about this, you’re walking in faith. Don’t do a Sarah.” These were not just words for this particular situation; these were words for life: “Don’t jump ahead like Abraham’s wife, trying to fix what God apparently failed to do. Take the right steps and then trust God for the outcome.” That wisdom rode with me for nearly all 4,000 miles, and still guides me.

As I visited with friends up and down the middle of America, I considered Dad’s final years. Not many men in their late 80s have websites, host mentoring groups from their hospital beds (affectionately known as Fred in the Bed), or write weekly e-mail newsletters, but Dad did. The BreakfastWithFred.com website connected him, and his wisdom, with generations of leaders. “Redeem the time”—he walked and talked it. And when he could no longer walk, he still redeemed.

The work we shared in these projects created opportunities for talking. But that was nothing new: We had wondered, wandered, and talked throughout my life. The year before his death, I found a worn photo of Dad and me, leaning over a railing and intently staring at some unseen happening. The body language spoke of a 12-year-old girl leaning into—and gleaning from—her father. I framed the photo for Dad, adding the caption: “So much to talk about.”

During the last 18 months of his life, I read to him each morning. Sometimes he slept through much of the hour. But other mornings, we read, prayed, and talked. Our roles had changed, but the joy of the exchange never did.

DEPOSITS IN THE MEMORY BANK

Dad had looked forward to one more road trip with me, even knowing the impossibility. But he would have loved this trip. He would’ve enjoyed Charlie and his three barns of tractors; staying in the old house on Route 66; marveling at the acres of day lilies in Minnesota. And he would have had some pithy comment about the awe of God while fighting winds and rain on Lake Superior, or enjoying the bright hues of fall on the Natchez Trace.

The Cruiser and I ended our trek as it began—with prayers of thanksgiving and reflection. I safely traversed 4,000 miles of roads with little Interstate, many interesting people, and numerous openings for a word about Jesus. I commemorated and celebrated as I cruised.

“No one loves you as much as your Dad does,” a friend told me.

She’s right. And no one rides shotgun nearly so well, either.

To learn more about Fred Smith, go to www.BreakfastWithFred.com. To order his final book, Breakfast With Fred,click here. Brenda A. Smith is president of the Breakfast with Fred Project, Inc. She is the author of Divine Confinement: Facing Seasons of Limitation, and her next book, Divine Refinement, will soon. Copyright © 2008 by the author or Christianity Today International/Today’s Christian magazine. Click here for reprint information. May/June 2008, Vol. 46, No. 3, Page 30



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March is the absolute best part of the baseball season, as far as I’m concerned (unless my team ends up in the playoffs). Opening Day is still a month away. This is the time those of us who love the game and the team (in my case the Seattle Mariners), dream about the possibilities. So for my birthday, Dixie checked one off my ‘bucket list’ and took me to Phoenix to see the Mariners get ready for the season, now only days away. Maybe this will be the year!

There are things about leadership to be learned by watching how different managers interface with their players and coaches. Mariner’s manager, Don Wakamatsu, is beginning his second season as a Mariner and as a big league manager. In his first year he led a resurgence of an emotionally depleted team, helping lift it from what had been its lowest point in years to an entirely new level. When it comes to his role and that of the rest of the coaches as they work with the players, Wakamatsu personifies several specifics that any leader would do well to adopt.

First, he doesn’t try to replicate his predecessor. He explains, “Players like genuine people. They can sniff out somebody who’s trying to be somebody else faster than you believe.”

Second, he says, “There are two sides to coaching. One, can you touch a player and make him believe? The other side is mechanics. I like our coaches to be able to do both.”

Third, he believes that for a ballclub to be successful it not only needs talent, it needs an element that Wakamatsu calls “adders.” He says a core of adders is important to a team “because those adders, if you can get four or five of them, create a lot of energy. But if you have four or five negatives, then no matter what I say sometimes, they bring people down.”

These are three lessons that we leaders in Second Half ministry should consider in preparing for our next season of ministry:

  1. Be yourself. Your people will know if you are attempting to be someone you are not. Especially second half people. They’ve experienced the ‘spin’ before. Remember, God made you, so it’s about being the best you can be.
  2. Touch the people. Reach their hearts as well as their minds. Let them know you love them and Jesus loves them and that you both believe in them. Guide them toward ministry projects that meet needs and compliment their gifts and skills mix. Just don’t send them off without being sure they’ve been trained for success.
  3. Look for the “adders.” You must find a core of men or women, solid in their faith, excited about working with you on the team, who will be the adders in ministry to and through adults in life’s second half.

These three things are critical to successful outcomes. It’s what Jesus did. He was true to himself always. He touched the people around him daily. And he looked for the “adders” when he built his ‘team of twelve.’ So go ahead. Build a winning team for Second Half ministry in your church or organization.

“Anyone wanting to be a leader among you must be your servant. And if you want to be right at the top, you must serve like a slave. Your attitude must be like my own, for I, the Messiah, did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give my life as a ransom for many” —Jesus (Luke 20:26-28.

Go ahead. Stir the glowing embers in your peers; leave a light on for the next generation.

Ward Tanneberg

CASA Network Executive Director

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DON’T QUIBBLE OVER THE CALCULATIONS, JUST HUG YOUR INVESTMENTS

The government recently calculated the cost of raising a child from birth to 18 and came up with $160,140 for a middle-income family. Talk about sticker shock! That doesn’t even touch college tuition.

But $160,140 isn’t so bad if you break it down. It translates into $8,896.66 a year, $741.38 a month, or $171.08 a week. That’s a mere $24.24 a day! Just over a dollar an hour. Still, you might think the best financial advice is don’t have children if you want to be “rich.” Actually, it is just the opposite.

  • What do you get for your $160,140?
  • Naming rights. First, middle, and last!
  • Glimpses of God every day.
  • Giggles under the covers every night.
  • More love than your heart can hold.
  • Butterfly kisses and Velcro hugs.
  • Endless wonder over rocks, ants, clouds, and warm cookies.
  • A hand to hold, usually covered with jelly or chocolate.
  • A partner for blowing bubbles, flying kites, building sandcastles, and skipping  down the sidewalk in the pouring rain.
  • Someone to laugh yourself silly with, no matter what the boss said or how your stocks performed that day.
  • For $160,140, you never have to grow up.
  • You get to finger-paint, carve pumpkins, play hide-and-seek, catch lightning bugs, and never stop believing in Santa Claus.
  • You have an excuse to keep reading the Adventures of Piglet and Pooh, watching Saturday morning cartoons, going to Disney movies, and wishing on stars.
  • You get to frame rainbows, hearts, and flowers under refrigerator magnets and collect spray painted noodle wreaths for Christmas, hand prints set in clay for Mother’s Day, and cards with backward letters for Father’s Day.
  • For $160,140, there is no greater bang for your buck.
  • You get to be a hero just for retrieving a Frisbee off the garage roof, taking the training wheels off a bike, removing a splinter, filling a wading pool, coaxing a wad of gum out of bangs, and coaching a baseball team that never wins but always gets treated to ice cream regardless.
  • You get a front row seat to history to witness the first step, first word, first bra, first date, and first time behind the wheel.
  • You get to be immortal.
  • You get another branch added to your family tree, and if you’re lucky, a long list of limbs in your obituary called grandchildren and great grandchildren.
  • You get an education in psychology, nursing, criminal justice, communications, and human sexuality that no college can match. In the eyes of a child, you rank right up there under God.
  • You have all the power to heal a boo-boo, scare away the monsters under the bed, patch a broken heart, police a slumber party, ground them forever, and love them without limits, so one day they will, like you, love without counting the cost. We all know they grow up too soon.

Author Unknown. On March 25th, 2005 a new search was executed to attempt to discover the author of this piece. While it is still widely circulated on the Internet we still have not been able to find the author. If anyone knows of the author of this piece please contact us so we may attach proper attribution to the text.

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Dr. Pete Menconi

Provided by CN Building Adult Ministries Resource Center

Retirees seem more vulnerable than most

If you communicate by email, you probably have received those messages that herald the end of the world, some eminent doom, or a cautionary tale. During the past presidential election, thousands of these unverifiable emails were clogging cyberspace each day. Many of these emails ranged from the ridiculous to the sublime. “Barack Obama’s presidential candidacy endorsed by the KKK.” “Joe Biden to step down as vice presidential candidate for Hillary Clinton.” “John McCain declared on 60 Minutes that he was a “war criminal” who “bombed innocent women and children.” Then there was the photograph of Sarah Palin posing in a U.S. flag bikini holding a rifle.

Certainly the Internet and email allows us to communicate in wonderful ways, but it is also easily abused. Often well-meaning family members and friends forward emails that warn us of health dangers, anti-Christian movements, financial opportunities, and other issues of concern. Often the information is false or only partially true. Many email messages are hoaxes and urban legends. Perhaps because they have more discretionary time on their hands, retirees seem more vulnerable to the lure of these messages than most. And Christian retirees are no exception. Here is a sampling of emails making the rounds:

A group known as “The Second Coming Project” is seeking to clone Jesus from the DNA of holy relics.

You must sign a petition to stop Jesus from being portrayed as a homosexual in an upcoming film.

Airlines will not pair Christian pilots and co-pilots out of fear that The Rapture will snatch away both crewmembers capable of landing the plane.

While many of these email messages are laughable, others contain enough truth or are truthful sounding enough to be believed.

Here are a few tips on how to avoid email hoaxes and urban legends:

1. If the message has been past from email to email, be skeptical.

2. If the email message tells you “this is not a hoax,” it probably is.

3. The more urgent the plea, the more suspect the message.

4. Be skeptical if the message overuses exclamation points or uppercase letters.

5. Check with online websites that hunt down hoaxes and urban legends. Here are a few: www.snopes.com; www.urbanlegends.about.com; www.truthorfiction.com.

When receiving these emails, even from family and friends, be careful and thoughtful on how you respond. As followers of Jesus, it is good for us to reflect upon his words when he said, “I am sending you out like sheep among wolves. Therefore be as shrewd as snakes and as innocent as doves.”

Pete Menconi is the Outreach Pastor at Greenwood Community Church, Denver CO and V-P of CASA Network.

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by Keith Webb

Provided by CN Building Adult Ministries Resource Center

Questions to Ask Before Moving On

Many of us like new things. Learning and doing new things is interesting and rewarding. However, once the novelty has worn off, it’s all too easy to move on to the next new thing.

Recently, I met a worker in a Muslim country who hasn’t moved on. For 17 years he’s been working, trying many ideas, teaching, and mentoring. All along the way he saw a bit of fruit, but nothing spectacular. Starting three years ago, however, the number of small groups has grown from 200 to more than 700.

What if he had given up and moved on after 8 or 10 or 12 years? Would the fruit be the same as it is today? I doubt it.

The Ten-Year Rule

Creativity research shows that it takes ten years of hard work to gain enough mastery to produce a unique contribution. Ten years!

Other research bears out the same thing in business, sport, and academics. The competent and successful are made not born. A new book, The Talent Code, says 3 things are required: tens of thousand of hours of practice, passion, and master coaching.

I’m okay with the passion and coaching, but tens of thousands of hours working on it? Tough!

Why Do We Give Up So Easily?

Seth Godin wrote a simple book with a profound point. You can understand it from the cover art. When you begin something new there are a lot of rewards. After a while, the reward vs. effort is reduced. This is The Dip. Many people quit here. However, if you push through the dip the results can be great.

The going will always get tough. By giving up too quickly, we waste an incredible amount of time and effort. To achieve our objectives we must work at it long enough to push through the dip.

Questions To Ask Before Moving On

So you’ve been working for 4 or 6 or 10 years, is it time to move on? Ask yourself the following questions:

  1. How focused am I on what I’m trying to do? We often haven’t fully invested ourselves in a strategy. Instead we hedge our bets by being involved in many good things. Before even thinking of quitting, get single-focused and dig into what you’re trying to accomplish.
  2. When will I quit? As you focus, decide when and for what reasons you will quit. How will you distinguish a dead-end verses a dip? Decide now rather than when you’re discouraged in the dip.
  3. What results are you experiencing? As you move forward build off the results you have. Try different tactics, ideas, and approaches to accomplish your larger goal.
  4. Am I thinking straight? It’s easy to rationalize why we should move on. Our pride is stung by slower-than-expected results. And let’s face it; in the non-profit fundraising world it’s easier to raise money for new vision. Pride also keeps us from quitting something we should have given up on long ago. It takes courage stick with something and to move on.

There are no easy answers to when to move on? Although, I suspect that with dedicated focus and a few more years, we could achieve far more than we dreamed possible. This is personally challenging to me. How about you?

Keith Webb is a Cross-cultural Leadership Coach and Trainer; Executive Committee Member at ICF Singapore Chapter & Principle at Creative Results Management


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