Archive for the ‘Caring for People’ Category

Celebrating Beginnings

Nancy Gordon

 

Those of us who work with older adults know that they face many transitions-often in quick succession. Retirement, the loss of a spouse, a major change in health status, the loss of long-time friends, a move to a retirement community, the loss of possessions, a move from one level of care to another within a retirement community are just some of the transitions older adults encounter.

William Bridges in his book Transitions: Making Sense of Life’s Changes describes transitions as having three parts: (1) endings, (2) the in-between neutral zone, and (3) new beginnings. He stresses that we need to mark and grieve the ending, and give ourselves that in-between neutral zone to heal and to gradually discern and move toward a new beginning with a sense of hope and energy. Our tendency as a culture is to want to rush through the process, not recognizing the meaning and the impact of the ending, allowing little time for reflection and healing, but to move immediately to the new beginning-whatever it is.

And we often expect the same of the older adults we serve. But I’m wondering if we wouldn’t better serve them if we intentionally set about finding ways to mark and to grieve endings, to provide presence and reassurance in that disorienting time in between the old and the new, and to celebrate new beginnings. We can begin by paying attention to our own transitions and perhaps changing our expectations of ourselves. We can teach staff about transitions-for their own use and so that all will be ready and better able to assist our older adults with their transitions.

 

Some suggestions for spiritual care during transitions that can be shared by all staff:

Marking endings

•       Validate the losses and the feelings those losses provoke.

•       Listen to the story of what has been lost and the importance it held in the person’s life.

•       Suggest ways to mark the ending-whether it be a ritual, creating a remembrance piece or taking a symbolic action.

 

 Support in the in-between neutral zone

•       Elicit stories of prior changes and transitions they have navigated and help them remember the strengths that got them through those.

•       Provide activities that give them a taste of fun and creativity, a reminder that their lives are not all loss and change.

•       Encourage them to intentionally practice being grateful even in this difficult time.

•       Be present and attentive.

•       If it’s congruent with their tradition, pray with them and for them.

 

Celebrating beginnings

•       Create a ritual of celebration and blessing.

•       Encourage them to tell their story and share it with others who may be going through a similar transition.

•       Ask them what this experience has meant and what they have learned.

•       Affirm the future. It may not be the future they once thought they had, but they do have one.

As spiritual beings we have a need to have meaning in our life and to believe that there is hope and a future. Assisting our older adults through transition, inviting reflection on its meaning and helping them to glimpse a new beginning and a future is spiritual work and a great service.

 

Nancy Gordon, M.Div., C.A.S.P, is the Director for CLH Center for Spirituality and Aging. Previously published by the Center for Spirituality and Aging, a program of California Lutheran Homes & Community Services. Read more at spiritualityandaging.org.

 

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Getting a Grip on Family Relationships

Cavin T. Harper

 

Chelsea dreaded going to her mother-in-law’s home for the holidays. Apart from the frequent unsolicited advice about child rearing that always kept her on edge, it seemed to Chelsea that her mother-in-law found some sinister delight in ignoring certain rules they wanted to enforce regarding the consumption of junk food and bed times. She and Dan were willing to make some exceptions, but Dan’s mother wanted unrestricted license. The constant battle to honor their wishes as parents stole the joy from an otherwise good relationship.

Chelsea tried to explain how hard it was to get things back to normal when they returned home, but her pleas fell on deaf ears. What response she did receive was usually reprimanded for wanting to deprive the children of a good time. “I think you’re making more of this than you should, Chelsea. I only get to see them once a year. It’s not going to hurt them to do things they can’t do at home. I don’t want them dreading their time at grandmas because it’s not fun anymore.”

 

Sound familiar? Perhaps you relate to Chelsea’s mother-in-law. After all, shouldn’t the rules flex a little when the grandkids are at your house? Isn’t that why the grandkids love coming to grandma and grandpa’s—to do things they can’t do at home? (I think I detect some devilish delight in the old saw that says grandparents and grandkids get along so well because that they have a common enemy.) Grandparents, who buy into this way of thinking, most likely also view grandparenting as a secret club for grandparents and grandkids only. But do your grandkids really benefit when you take that approach?

Intentional grandparents realize that it is not just about the grandkids and them. They are committed to building an alliance with the parents—allies, not adversaries. Taking an adversarial approach is like playing golf with a really bad golfer. Everyone knows you’re playing golf, but no one knows which fairway you’re playing on.

How much better for all to work together towards the same objective—helping and equipping our grandchildren to become all God wants them to be? Our responsibility is to foster an environment in which our adult children can become the most successful parents possible. If we accomplish that, our grandkids will be blessed. There are enough obstacles to get past in today’s culture without adding our own stubbornness and selfishness into the mix. A mutually supportive partnership is possible and worth the effort it takes to build and maintain it. It can be one of the most satisfying and productive relationships on the planet. But it requires some intentionality and hard work.

 

Get A Grip! Every good rock climber knows the importance of a good handhold whether scaling the side of a vertical cliff or an indoor climbing wall. The difference between a good hold and a poor hold is the difference between success and failure in a climb, which has very different consequences for an indoor climbing wall than it does the side of a mountain.

Skilled climbers have developed amazing hand and arm strength because they know that a good hold is only as good as the climber’s grip. Along with a good grip at least four other key elements are required for a safe, successful climb.

1. Using your feet like your hands—you can stand on your feet a lot longer than you can hang by your arms;

2. Using the right equipment—no short cuts here;

3. Using a trustworthy belayer (the person at the bottom holding the your lifeline should you fall)—if you worry about your belayer, you can’t focus on the climb; and

4. Conquering your fears—focus on where you’re going; look down only as far as your feet.

Avid climbers understand that fear is part of the experience. If fear is not overcome, however, the climber will be unable to continue the climb and will be at great risk of falling.

Scaling the cliffs of life is dangerous. None are more dangerous than family relationships. With the right equipment and with God as our belayer, we can put our confidence in the holds he provides and know that He will keep us from falling. We are free to stay focused on the climb knowing His promise to us that His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of Him who called us by His own glory and goodness (2 Peter 1:3). Secure in this promise, we can reach up, grip the handholds He has provided, and climb.

Paul identifies four of these handholds in his letter to the Ephesians. “Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace” (Eph. 4:2-3). So, get a grip, and let’s scale the walls of conflict together.

 

Hold #1 – Humility

“Be completely humble and gentle…”

Pride and humility cannot co-exist. One is nurtured by the grand illusion of self-sufficiency and self-importance—a crumbling handhold that will lead to a fall. The other is cultivated in the selfless notion of losing oneself—foolishness in the world’s eyes, but the surest handhold for a successful climb. Check yourself against these characteristics of humility.

  • Humility insists on the interests of others above your own, even to the point of considering them better than yourself. Yikes…sounds rather radical, doesn’t it?
  • Humility actively pursues peace and reconciliation via the raging waters of confession and repentance with those you have wronged.
  • Humility acknowledges your humanness with all its limitations, including those you had (have?) as a parent.
  • Humility graciously lays down the mantel of authority long enough to extend the hand of a servant respecting and honoring the boundaries set by your adult children.

It is foolish to ignore the humility handhold and expect to reach the summit of possibilities for bringing the healing God has in mind.

 

Hold #2 – Patience

“Be completely humble and gentle; be patient…”

Farmers who grow and harvest the Chinese Bamboo Tree understand the value of patience. When planted from seed, they know the first year will produce nothing more than a tiny sprout barely an inch high. The seasons come and go for another four years and still the farmer has nothing to show for all of his hours of labor to get this stubborn tree to grow. In the fifth year the farmer’s patience pays off. That tiny sprout begins to grow. Astonishingly, before the end of that year’s growing season, the tree that showed no signs of life for five years will soar up to ninety feet in height—that’s nine stories in less than a year!

We tend to forget that the truly important things in life often require enormous amounts of patience. Patience sprouts in the soil of faith where the roots of unshakable belief in God and His Word grow deep. It is secure in the knowledge that the work God is doing in us, and in others, is good enough. Since we can’t control the outcome, it would be foolish to not patiently trust Him. When we impatiently try to fix things, we usually end up creating a royal mess.

In that five-year period when no signs of growth were obvious, every drop of water, every ounce of fertilizer and every hour of care the farmer provided made a difference for the bamboo tree. Deep in the soil, obscured from sight, a large network of roots had been growing so the tree would have a firm foundation. An impatient farmer would have stopped its growth and undermined the enormous root system necessary for it to grow and remain strong.

Flourishing growth is the fruit of patience and perseverance. Be patient and watch God do an amazing thing when the time is right.

 

Hold #3 – Forgiveness

“Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love…”

Deep hurt carried around in an unforgiving heart is like large stones constantly being stacked one on another until a massive rock wall is erected across the path of reconciliation. Soon a root of bitterness sprouts and begins to spread like a vine across that wall. Like an aggressive cancer, it attacks our heart and can be very difficult to cut out. Bitterness and anger destroy relationships and block the way to reconciliation. Only forgiveness can cut out the roots of bitterness and cut away the web of malice entangling a wounded heart. Forgiveness stirs a lifeless heart to life like tulips in spring. It pulls down the wall so reconciliation and healthy relationships can flourish.

It’s easy to talk about forgiveness when we want to be forgiven. It’s another matter when we must forgive another who has deeply injured us—the kind of injury that occurs when a son-in-law or daughter-in-law keeps us away from our grandchildren. Paul exhorts us to “get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you” (Ephesians 4:31-32).

Realizing how much we have been forgiven, forgiveness acts like cholesterol-fighting medication for the heart. It unclogs the arteries so that God’s lavish and extravagant grace can freely course through our being and bring healing. Because we are forgiven, we are free to forgive, to love, and to bless. So, while an unforgiving heart will shut the door to healthy relationships, forgiveness opens it and keeps it open.

 

Hold #4 – Peacemaker

“Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.”

We now reach for a handhold that is one of the most important for finishing the climb—being a peacemaker. Unfortunately, it also one of the most neglected. A peacemaker and a peacekeeper are not the same thing. Peacekeepers do almost anything, including ignore the truth, to keep the peace. Peacemakers get that the truth set us free. The tools of a peacemaker are words of truth and blessing. In verse 29 of Ephesians 2, Paul describes it this way—speaking what is helpful for building others up according to their needs. These are words of blessing. Blessing is the practice of speaking well of another…intentionally. It has amazing power to transform and unleash the grace of God for another. Speaking blessing into someone’s life never goes out-of-style or loses its power. Nor is it ever too late to begin.

Peacemakers are intentional about the words they speak to others. God doesn’t care about our excuses. His command is straight-forward: “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen” (Eph. 4:29).

We have the power to bless or curse through the words we speak. Words of blessing are always important, but perhaps never as desperately needed as they are today. The words we speak are either cursing or blessing. The words of a peacemaker are blessing. Which do you speak?

 

Clip In and Climb  Whether the relationship we have with our adult children is horrible, wonderful, or somewhere in between, the rope has been tossed to us. We have been invited to trust God, clip in with Him and scale the walls that hinder our relationship. There is too much at stake if we don’t attempt the climb. Our heavenly Father has already provided everything we need to successfully climb to the top. The handholds are strong. Our Belayer will never let go. We have no need to fear. All that is required is that we grab the rope, reach up, and climb!

 

Cavin Harper grew up in Wyoming and is Founder and Executive Director of ElderQuest Ministries’ Christian Grandparenting Network (CGN). He and his wife, Diane, live in Colorado Springs near their six grandchildren, also in Colorado. They conduct several GrandCamps each summer in Colorado for grandparents and grade school age grandchildren. Read more at www.christiangrandparenting.net. 

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A Reflection

Sue and Denny Koska

Yesterday came and went, mostly uneventful, with the exception of enrolling our five-year-old grandson for kindergarten in fall, and forgetting that a friend was coming by at exactly the same time.

 

Two years ago, June 2 at 10:30 a.m., the phone rang and I learned of three young grandchildren in Tulsa, Oklahoma, about to enter Child Protective Services. Their father had left them in a motel room, along with their mom, with no money, food or means of care. Their mother, my youngest daughter, called CPS and was willingly giving them up; three children, all under the age of four. Since we’re the guardians of her 11-year-old son, they called us first. I was told to be there before midnight or the kids would enter the system. With the help of a wonderful friend, I got everything together and flew to Tulsa.

The CPS worker met me at 9:00 p.m. and drove me to the motel. I stayed there four days trying to convince my daughter of her need for help. She finally took off, leaving me with three small children, motel room costs, what was left of their toys, some diapers, and no car seats. I was informed that no one in Oklahoma could care for the children. So, I rented a car, purchased car seats times three, bought a few suitcases, and began the task of figuring out what these three children had remaining that I could take, and what would be left behind.

Eventually, I arrived back in Orange County, California. It was an eventful flight with a two year old who cried from the moment we left Tulsa until we arrived at John Wayne Airport, an infant who was passed around the plane from one helpful stranger to another, and a three-year-old boy with special needs. My husband picked us all up with my oldest daughter and her son. We drove to our townhome, loaded everyone in, and I sat on the family room floor changing diapers, wondering, “Now what?”

I don’t know which was the greater shock: seeing very small children without their parents, or the choices their parents had made. Shock turned to grief, then anger, then back to grief as we went through change after change.

Today, two years later, grief and shock have given way to a whole different lifestyle, and a dependency on God Himself for strength and wisdom. There have been so many losses, and we’ve made so many changes. But today, I also count the many gains as my mind and heart see them outweigh the tears.

How many of us at age 62 get to feel the arms of young children around our neck each day, saying, “I love you”? The littlest one snuggles her head against my heart and repeats, “I love you sooooo much!”  Then I look at my little redhead, who cried for over a thousand miles. Today she giggles as she swings in a tree swing during a visit with my son and his family. Our five-year-old grandson turns six in July and is in his last week of special education. This September he transitions into a regular Kindergarten class. As he loves to say, “I’m a big boy now!”

Body aches and pains give way to laughter as I listen to them making tunnels and forts at the park. I don’t get to sit and visit as much with old friends, yet God has brought so many to our side. Friends have given up their own schedules at times to baby-sit in an emergency, and others have willingly helped out to invest in the life of a child. Recently, Olive Crest, an organization dedicated to the prevention of child abuse, has come alongside us and is completing home visits in order to open up more resources.

The oldest boy, now 13 and a new teen, has had to learn to share everything. The youngest, recently turned two, has the largest vocabulary and understanding of any her pediatrician has seen. Her sister will be four this July, and I have never known a child so resistant to potty training! Yet, she is on day 18 (and counting) of wearing underwear and using the toilet all the time. She announces, “Now I can go to school!” Our five-year-old needed fourteen cavities filled, one tooth pulled, and has been in speech therapy along with weekly behavior therapy, for two years. He is the greatest challenge, but he is also thriving—and so excited to go to school where his big brother went! All four children continue to grow and develop, while I often feel overwhelmed and far out of my comfort zone.

As for the gains? We have a constant awareness that life is not the size of our home and finances that should be there for two seniors, but an exercise of dependency on our Heavenly Father’s love. People, especially those who cannot take care of themselves, rule in importance. Relationships are of utmost importance. As my own dreams dimmed, dreams of children with new hope and a future become brighter. I have gained perspective, an ability to let go what I once thought was worth holding onto, in order to embrace what each day with children brings! Could it be that what looks impossible, shows us all that all things are possible with Christ? I think so.

On this day of reflection, as we anticipate a very noisy “Kool Aid” summer, I want to reach out to all who have helped others in the smallest of ways. I want to let you know that God is alive and I see Him. He is in the eyes of the children who live in our home. He is in my heart when I feel overwhelmed, and wonder what was I thinking that day when I flew to Tulsa. He was in my dad in years past when he would put his arm around me and ask how I was. Three months ago my dad changed his address from Chino Hills to Heaven, and now sees the Lord face to face. I can say for certain, God is in the business of changing things. He wipes away the tears of pain and replaces them with joy and laughter—and He does it on a daily basis.

 

Have a wonderful day today wherever you are. Here in Brea, California, it promises to be a day of beauty. “This is the day the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it!”

 

- Sue Koska

Photos courtesy Denny Koska. To see more of his work, go to dennykoska.blogspot.com.

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The Silver Bullet for Making Disciples

By Charles Arn

 

Wikipedia defines “silver bullet” as: Any straightforward solution perceived to have extreme effectiveness; a phrase that typically appears with an expectation that a particular practice will cure a major prevailing problem.[i]

 

Based on my 30+ years in studying the process of evangelism and church growth, I can confidently say there is a “silver bullet” for fulfilling Christ’s command to go and make disciples. Here it is:

The most effective evangelism—by far—occurs through meaningful relationships between Christians and non-Christians.

 

Did you know that over twice as many non-Christians come to Christ through relationships with Christian friends or relatives than all other reasons combined?

Many times in his ministry Jesus talked about and modeled this “disciple-making silver bullet.” To the demon-possessed man (Mark 5:19) he said, “go home to your friends and tell them what wonderful things God has done for you…” When Zacchaeus believed, Christ told him that salvation had also come to his friends and family (Luke 19:9). After Jesus healed the son of a royal official we learn that the Centurion, and all of his family and friends, believed (Mark 2:14-15). Jesus was teaching about sharing God’s love with the people we already know. It is the way the Gospel travels!

In your next devotion time look up that word “household”. You will find it not only in the references above, but in many other verses, as well. In the original Greek, the word is oikos, and it has a fascinating meaning. Oikos referred to the people in a person’s social network. It included a person’s immediate family (father, brother, wife, etc.). It included a person’s extended family (cousin, brother-in-law, grandparent, nephew, etc.). Oikos referred to the servants that stayed in the living compound of the first century home. It referred to the servants’ families who also lived there. The word oikos referred to a person’s close friends, as well as their work associates. When the tremendous earthquake caused the Philippian jailer to desperately cry out: “What must I do to be saved?” Paul responded, “Believe on the Lord Jesus Christ and you will be saved…you and your oikos” (Acts 16:31).  Michael Green observes, “The early Christians knew that when the message of faith was heard and demonstrated by friends and family who were known and trusted…receptivity to the Gospel increased tremendously.”[ii]

 

A Problem with Shooting the Silver Bullet

But, there is one essential requirement for reaching friends and neighbors: we must be close enough to unbelievers for Christ to be observed and experienced in us. And there’s the rub. The problem is that the longer we are in the church, the more friends we have who are also in the church…and the fewer friends we have outside the church. Let me repeat this important problem-statement, because it is one of the major obstacles to the spread of the Christian Gospel today: Most Christians have very few close friends who are non-Christian. Without such relationships, it is impossible to be Christ-like.

The average new Christian can list 12-13 non-believing family, friends, and relatives in his/her social network. But a curious thing begins to happen the longer we are Christians. Each year we can list fewer and fewer non-Christians in our social community. It’s not that our friends and relatives all become Christians, although this sometimes happens. Rather, the more we learn about Christ, and the more we want to become like Christ, the more comfortable we are around people on this same faith journey. Some long-time believers, in fact, have no close friends or relatives outside the church.

One reason that 85+% of today’s churches are not growing is that the social networks of people in these churches are almost entirely within the church. Worse yet, churches frequently program to encourage relational isolation. Activities are geared toward existing members. “Successful” events are when a high percentage of members attend.  Small groups are formed primarily for church attenders. As a result, not only do church members have few non-Christian people with whom they associate…non-Christian people in the community have few or no close friends in the church!

 

The Solution…

So, how do we enter into a non-Christian’s world to be Christ-like (incarnational) if we don’t really know any non-Christians? The answer is easy. We need to become more like Jesus—we need friends who are “…tax collectors and sinners!” (Matt. 11:19) Or, if you prefer Eugene Peterson’s version, Jesus was spoken of as “…a friend of the riffraff.”

From Christ’s point of view, I believe, this is a serious problem. How can Christ’s missional task be accomplished if His people are not in the world? “My prayer,” said Jesus to His Father, “is not that you take them [Christ’s followers] out of the world, but that you protect them from the evil one” (John 17:15). In fact, Christians are supposed to be in the world, just not of the world. Paul knew that he needed to connect with “the riffraff” before he could communicate with them:

I didn’t take on their way of life.  I kept my bearings in Christ.  But I entered their world and tried to experience things from their point of view.  I’ve become just about every sort of servant there is in my attempts to lead those I meet into a God-saved life.  I did all this because of the Message.  I didn’t just want to talk about it; I wanted to be in on it!”  (I Cor. 9:19-23 The Message)

We are to be the salt of the earth (Matt. 5:13). And salt does not season itself. So, let me encourage you, as you are spending time with Christian friends and relatives, to also spend time with the riffraff. It is those lost people, after all, for whom Christ came to “seek and to save” (Luke 19:10).

 

Dr. Charles Arn serves as Visiting Professor of Outreach and Christian Ministry at the new Wesley Seminary in Marion, Indiana. He completed his master’s and doctoral degrees from the University of Southern California, majoring in Instructional Design and Technology. Learn more at his website: www.HeartbeatMinistries.net. 

 

[i] http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Silver_bullet

[ii] Michael Green.  Evangelism in the Early Church. Grand Rapids: Eerdmanns, 1970, p. 210.

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Sometimes it takes a flood to drive a point home.

Wes Wick

My heart has no desire to stay, where doubts arise and fears dismay.
Though some may dwell where these abound, my prayer, my aim, is higher ground.

Lord, lift me up and let me stand, by faith on Heaven’s table land.
A higher plain than I have found: Lord, plant my feet on higher ground.

 - from Higher Ground, by Hymn Writer Johnson Oatman, Jr.

 

El Niño packed a punch and flooded our home office twice last year, once in October and again in January.

Flood me once, shame on El Niño; flood me twice, shame on me.

Obviously, the right solution did not sink in the first time around.  It was my heart that sank as a hundred gallons of rainwater again saturated our floor and carpet. “Where did I go wrong this time?” I wondered.

Living in a redwood forest at the base of the Santa Cruz Mountains has both overwhelming challenges and beauty, much like the later seasons of life. And, as much as I like being right, I learned the hard way that my approach to our flooding problem was all wet!

Count it all joy! Through the storm, the Lord showered me with fresh perspective on how easy it is to approach problems too narrowly and neglect solutions at a higher plain.

 

Taking the Battle Upstream

. . . I, the LORD your God, am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children to the third and fourth generations. . .    Deuteronomy 5:9 (NKJV)

When plagued with outside water in our downstairs office several years ago, I installed a small, interior French drain and raised the floor in half the room to resolve the occasional trickle that made its way into the lower story of our home. This was a costly, low level approach, but took care of the problem where it surfaced inside. Or so I thought.

Returning home to a flood in October, I discovered a downspout on the uphill side of our home was clogged. After pulling up our carpet and living in mild chaos for a week, I cleared the gutter, downspout and accompanying drain. Addressing the problem at a second level gave me a short-lived sense of overconfidence in my flood management skills.

When torrential downpours caused more flooding in January, wisdom slowly and uncharacteristically prevailed. I called a friend. He in turn called a couple more friends, and we had a party in the rain. As we know from Proverbs, there is victory in an abundance of counselors (and workers!).

The interior French drain was not draining water fast enough. It appeared this lowest and smallest drain had failed Checking outside we saw that the gutter and downspouts were draining properly. This next-to-last generation of flood defense was working just fine. We then noticed rainwater from the hillside cascading over a retaining wall, never reaching the drain pipe at its base. Attacking this grandfather-level of flood prevention, we began digging extra trenches at the bottom of the hillside.

While watching water continuing to slosh unabated down our slope, I vaguely recalled seeing a catch basin up the hill about twenty yards away.  We trekked uphill and saw a considerable volume of water streaming into the catch basin and down a ten-inch pipe. This single basin and large pipe were diverting more water than all the lower drains combined! Yet, because of years of neglect, the basin was failing to capture and re-direct about a third of the water coming its way. It took only five minutes of shoveling around this first line of defense to help the catch basin do its full job. Once this problem was corrected, we were able to stop digging trenches at the base of the hill. And then, in spite of a continuing downpour, the water flowing into the interior French drain slowed to a faint trickle.

Because the first line of defense was working properly, we were able to see that the final line of defense was also working.  It hadn’t failed as we originally surmised.

 

What did I take away from this experience besides a soggy carpet, sore back and bruised ego?

  1. I learned my direct and even bi-level approaches were inadequate.
  2. I wrongfully assumed that the last line of flooding defense had completely failed.
  3. My expensive, relatively high tech solution at the spot where the problem was most visible had some value. But when things got real stormy, it alone was not the bridge over troubled waters.
  4. While each level of flooding defense was critical, devoting attention to the first line of defense some distance away proved to be the least costly and most effective solution. Put in place by the designer of our home, it was a critical part of the solution I had neglected for years.

 

Amaziah the Righteous, Half-Hearted King

The great grandpa, Catch Basin, in our rainforest adventure reminded my wife and me of this Old Testament king:

 Amaziah (King of Judah) did what was right in the eyes of the Lord, but not wholeheartedly.  Chronicles 25:2 (NIV)

 

Much like the catch basin uphill and away from our home, many great grandparents are doing what’s right, but not wholeheartedly. Holding back from loving God with all their heart, soul, mind and strength, their shallow devotion may be spawning disaster for those downstream.

One of the most strategic steps we can take as church leaders is helping to direct these great grandparents and grandparents in the faith toward wholehearted devotion.

Every line of defense is vital in shielding our youngest generations from the floodgates of sin. Churches tend to invest heavily at the youngest levels and often ignore or pacify the upper end of the age spectrum.

How often we fail to see the connection between half-hearted, later-life devotion and the problems of young people immersed in sin and absent from church life!

Most seasoned Christians seem to be living right. They certainly don’t activate the flood sirens. Because of their advancing age we give them a pass on spiritual half-heartedness, ignoring the negative trickle-down effect on younger generations. The oldest among us may not need the same kind of spiritual attention as the youngest, but their strategic potential for disciple-making, modeling, resourcing and inspiration cannot be overlooked.

Many older adults within our churches suffer from years of neglect and presumption, much like how I treated our forgotten catch basin up the hill. I hadn’t given that basin a single drop of attention since moving into our home twelve years ago. It seemed far removed and irrelevant. I just assumed it was doing what it was supposed to do!

Foolishly, the first line of defense was the last solution I considered.

The Church faces a flood of challenges with consequences far more devastating than damaged floor covering. Let’s make sure we’re giving attention to every generation’s line of defense.

Wholeheartedly.

 

Wes Wick along with his wife, Judy, are co-founders of YES! Young Enough to Serve, an organization that celebrates the joy of extended fruitfulness. YES! helps harness the gifts of longevity, health, wisdom and life experience of adults in life’s later seasons. Learn more at www.yestoserve.org. Wes recently joined The CASA Network Board of Directors. 

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Index Card Insights

Missy Buchanan

 

I often have the opportunity to lead older adult retreats around the country. During the events of the day, I like to mix in activities that cause older adults to honestly reflect on their lives. Sometimes I give each senior adult a large index card and ask them to write ten ways they do NOT want to be remembered after they die. Usually I can see their eyes cut toward one another as if they are anxious to know what others are writing. There are always a few muffled comments before the group draws quiet and begins to really think and write.

For those who choose to share their comments with the group, there are common responses, like not wanting to be remembered as mean or grumpy. One man wrote that he did not want to be remembered as a liar or a cheat. Sometimes people write about not wanting to be remembered as uncaring, selfish, lazy or as someone filled with self-pity.

Typically, the further older adults go down their list of ten things, the more personal their responses seem to become. I remember one woman who got misty-eyed as she explained that she did not want to be remembered as someone her grandchildren dreaded to visit. She went on to confess that as she had aged, she had developed a critical spirit that had driven her family away.

A silver-haired great-grandmother wrote that she didn’t want to be remembered as an old woman who spent all day in a wheelchair and talked only about the past. A 90 year-old man using a cane said that he didn’t want to be remembered as someone the caregivers dreaded to help. Another man drew serious, then talked about not wanting to be remembered as a pompous know-it-all who lectured his children and grandchildren at every opportunity.

Over the years, I have discovered that this activity often hits a nerve for many older adults. Like holding a mirror in front of your face, it can be painful to recognize ourselves in the answers. Yet it offers a great opportunity for change.

Not long ago, a woman told me that she carries the worn index card in her purse as a reminder of how she doesn’t want to behave. The exercise had made her stop and think about how she talks to her daughter and grandchildren. She realized that she had been behaving in ways that were contradictory to building the healthy relationships she wanted to have. She confessed that she had been a nit-picker for much of her late life, but she discovered that it wasn’t too late to stop. The card, she said, was her daily reminder.

The point is, when you look at a situation in reverse, there is a good chance that you will discover a deep well of truth. By looking at the question of how you do NOT want to be remembered after you die, you may see things in yourself that you’d rather not see. But that is just the beginning! Once you see yourself more clearly, you are better able to make changes that will impact your life and the lives of others in a positive way, no matter your age. So, go ahead. Give the exercise a try and see for yourself.

 

Missy Buchanan writes a monthly column, “Aging Well,” for the United Methodist Reporter and hosts Aging and Faith with Missy Buchanan on Blog Talk Radio. She has also written for many publications including Presbyterians Today, Christian Association Serving Adults Ministries and Good Morning America’s spirituality page. Read more at www.missybuchanan.com. 

Reprinted with permission from MinistryMatters.com.

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Staying Alert to Life’s Simple Blessings

Missy Buchanan

 

A few years ago, an older friend lost his wife to a sudden, unexpected illness and death. He was overwhelmed with grief and wondered how he would go on living without her.

One of their old friends phoned him when she first heard the news. She was living in Europe at the time and had been unable to return for the memorial service. They talked for a while, and she voiced her heartfelt condolences before making an unusual request. She asked my friend to send her an e-mail each day listing three blessings that he had experienced during the last twenty-four hours.

My brokenhearted friend said it was not something he really wanted to do. It was difficult to think about blessings when he didn’t even feel like getting out of bed. Still, he tried. Over the next few days, he began to list things like the morning sunrise, the smell of fresh-brewed coffee and a bowl of homemade soup shared by a neighbor. A few days later he noticed the first bloom on the rose bush and the way golden light spilled across his wife’s photograph in the late afternoon.

After weeks of emailing his friend a list of daily blessings, he says he felt his spirit slowly being lifted from the pit of despair. It didn’t happen overnight, but one day he realized that he was actually enjoying looking for simple blessings. Though he still misses his wife terribly, he says the blessing activity was key to helping him want to live once again.

There are many other older adults who are also grieving losses. For some like my friend, it is the death of a spouse or loved one. For others, it is the loss of independence and mobility that accompanies aging, including giving up the keys to the car. Some may also mourn the loss of their homes and belongings, and all that is familiar as they transition to new living situations.

As Thanksgiving approaches, it seems the perfect time to invite older adults to discover blessings that often go overlooked. When I speak to senior adult groups at churches or at residence centers, I encourage the older adults to keep a blessing book, a journal in which they write a set number of blessings each day.  Being intentional in keeping a written account of blessings helps one to create a habit of looking at life with eyes of gratitude.

The church should not forget that even the most faithful saints grow weary under the weight of depression or sadness that often comes as they grow frail or experience loss. Helping seniors actively look for blessings in their midst is an important part of ministry to the aged. I can’t help but think of how wonderful it would be if every church provided a special blessing journal for each of its older adults? Or if churches developed a blessing buddy ministry in which seniors share their blessings with another person like my friend did?

May we be people who will come alongside our elders who are struggling in the journey. May we help them to see God’s faithfulness in their lives. For if we do, we, too, will be blessed.

 

Missy Buchanan writes a monthly column, “Aging Well,” for the United Methodist Reporter and hosts Aging and Faith with Missy Buchanan on Blog Talk Radio.  She has also written for many publications including Presbyterians Today, Christian Association Serving Adults Ministries and Good Morning America’s spirituality page. Read more at www.missybuchanan.com. 

Reprinted with permission from MinistryMatters.com

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Finding the Positives in a Significant Change

Linda Sasser, Ph.D.

 

“It will be gone before you know it. The fingerprints on the wall appear higher and higher. Then suddenly they disappear.” Dorothy Evslin

One woman was describing her first grocery shopping trip after her youngest child had left for college. She said she reached into the dairy cooler, pulled out a gallon of milk and suddenly realized she no longer needed that quantity. She burst into tears and had to leave the store without completing her shopping.

If you have recently become empty nesters, you are probably being asked, “What’s it like?” or “Are you coping alright?” Many parents begin to become anxious at the thought of an “empty nest” once their youngest child has vacated the home. It is definitely a change in lifestyle, the emptynest syndrome, but it doesn’t have to be negative.

 

Benefits

The first thing most empty nesters notice is that the house is quieter. You can get to bed earlier because there’s no more loud music, the clatter of young people arriving and leaving, the TV or talking keeping you awake. And it’s easier to fall asleep when you’re not worrying about whether your teenager will make it home safely. An added benefit—the car is available when you need it! One extremely noticeable difference is at dinner: you and your spouse alone, facing each other across the table, wondering what to talk about.

 

Becoming Friends

In Song of Songs 5:16, his lover calls Solomon her “friend.” The empty nest can be a time to become “friends,” to renew and deepen your friendship with your spouse. Without interruptions from children, you can have longer and more meaningful conversations. Since you are no longer attending school activities and meetings, you can use evenings to go on dates again. Or you might start traveling by yourselves and rekindle the romance of your pre-parenting years! Another upside is simplified meal preparation (e.g. one meal is enough for two nights of dinners). Eating out can be spontaneous and will cost less.

The empty nest is generally not the same experience for dad as it is for mom, especially if dad is still at his job all day and mom is primarily a homemaker. For her, the added time can be used to resume or start a career or to pursue hobbies and projects she didn’t have time for with children underfoot. Dads get phone calls from fledglings whenever one of them has a computer problem or needs advice on technology purchases (digital cameras, iPods or iPads, cell phones). Moms get the calls during peak emotional times (roommate crises, boyfriend/girlfriend concerns, stress overload). Fortunately, our generation benefits from technology that allows you to stay connected with our children via email, Skype, online chats, and texting (assuming we have learned how to text!).

 

Continued Prayer 

You can spend some of your newlyfound extra time praying more for your children. Job “would sacrifice a burnt offering for each of them, thinking, ‘Perhaps my children have sinned and cursed God in their hearts.’ This was Job’s regular custom” (Job 1:5b, NIV). You might also consider spending more time in ministry, finding new ways to serve the Lord through church or community involvement. A blessing you may experience is seeing your grown children making responsible choices and wise decisions. Many will see their offspring walking closely with the Lord and making their relationship with Him a priority, even though they no longer dwell at home. You can breathe a sigh of relief when you see your positive influence being lived out in their lives, as Proverbs 22:6 suggests: “Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it.” (NIV)

 

Dr. Sasser serves as Professor of Education at Judson University in Elgin, IL. She also speaks for conferences, community groups, and professional organizations on cognitive aging, brain health, and memory. She can be contacted at lsasser@judsonu.edu. 

Copyright 2005 Linda Sasser. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

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The Elephant

by Missy Buchanan

 

There’s an elephant in the room.  It’s enormous, and many church leaders are ignoring it because they don’t know what to do about it. It’s time to look the elephant in the eye.  The church is aging quickly, and senior adult ministries are struggling.  Whew.  It’s been said.  Now can we talk about it?

The trend is nothing new.  Church leadership has known for years that people are living longer and that congregations are graying.  There’s been lots of talk about how to get younger leadership involved as a way to reinvigorate the church. But few people seem to be considering the far reaching implications for ministry to the fast growing population of senior adults.

Jack Phelps, Associate Pastor at Crestview Baptist Church in Georgetown, TX, knows the issues well.  There are more than 500 senior adults in his congregation in a city known for its retirement communities.  “ I truly believe that the greatest challenge facing churches today is simply understanding that the population is graying and that church memberships are graying at an even faster rate.”  “Though most churches have a minister responsible for a youth program, few have a minister assigned to the seniors.  Almost none have a minister who is trained to do so,” continues Phelps, whose seminary degree includes a concentration in gerontology.

Aubrey Patterson, retired minister and currently the chaplain at Rest Haven Funeral Home in Rockwall, TX, agrees, noting that many churches have a pastoral care minister whose title includes senior adult ministries.

“The problem is that these pastors are stretched thin, trying to minister to congregants of all ages who are ill or hospitalized plus regularly visiting the homebound and senior care residents.  Add to that organizing senior adult fellowship events and retreats, Sunday School classes and Bible studies.  It’s no wonder the church needs to seriously rethink how it is doing senior adult ministry.”

No doubt, church leaders would agree that ministry was not intended to be done by professional staff alone.  Both Phelps and Patterson enthusiastically recount how senior adults are great at caring for other seniors who are less able — a ministry of seniors caring for seniors.  But as the population of elderly explodes, there is concern about whether or not the church is equipped to handle the surge and the complexity of issues.

Dr. Richard Gentzler, Director of the Center on Aging and Older Adult Ministries for The United Methodist Church, suggests one problem is that many congregations are afraid of being labeled as dying churches if they emphasize senior adult ministries. But Gentzler maintains that churches without senior adults are missing a great resource of wisdom and life experience.

Patterson agrees, adding that some churches also make the mistake of lumping all senior adults into one ministry.  “The needs and abilities of an active 70-year old are quite different from a homebound 88-year old.  It is not a one-size-fits-all ministry.” Even defining senior ministry by age can miss the mark since physical abilities, not age, tend to identify senior adult subsets.  Gentzler refers to the subgroups of senior adults as the go-gos, the slow-gos and the no-gos, perhaps providing a more realistic way to discuss the unique needs of each group.

 

Tim Washburn, Senior Adult Pastor at First Baptist Church of Jackson, Mississippi considers reaching the Boomers as one of the greatest challenges facing the church.  “People in their fifties and sixties typically reject the notion of aging.  They especially resist cutesy ministry names that try to disguise the senior identity.  Getting this group plugged in and keeping them from feeling old is going to be a real challenge for the church in the near future.”

Even so, boomers are already faced with issues involving their own aging parents. Much of Phelps’ ministry involves helping families navigate real life concerns about older loved ones.  What should be the church’s role in helping Dad give up the keys to the car?  How do you convince a weary spouse that she needs more care for her husband with Alzheimer’s?  How can you help siblings work together in the best interest of their older family members, especially when there are unresolved issues that fester up in times of crisis?

Then there is the issue of unchurched seniors.  Patterson says his position as a chaplain has brought to light a surprising number of older adults who have no church home at all.  “Many are struggling with deep spiritual issues and are longing for relationship with someone who will just sit and talk.”  And what about newly planted churches with few or no senior adult members?  How will they respond to the needs of older adults in the community?  Or what about churches with small memberships and only one pastor?

 

Certainly the church can no longer ignore the elephant in the room.  Effective senior adult ministry will take more than good intentions to meet the spectrum of challenges and opportunities. Phelps believes that creating a true Biblical model of an intergenerational church should be the top priority.

“At my church in Georgetown, TX, we encourage social interaction between age groups and serving one another.  The youth serve as waiters at the senior adult banquet, and the senior adults serve over 20,000 meals and snacks to the 1,000 children attending our summer camp.  Our young children create hand made greetings cards that our weekly visitation teams delivers to shut-ins.”

Washburn concurs that serving one another is key. His church’s senior choir sponsors a Christmas party at the church for almost 700 homebound and nursing home residents, helping with decorations, food and transportation.  He also notes that it is vital to find ways to keep older adults connected to the church.  “We are exploring ways to use the Internet to keep our seniors in residence centers connected to their Sunday School rooms.”

It’s true that the elephant in the room stirs up a lot of complicated issues, but the scriptural mandate is clear.  It’s time for the church to start talking seriously about senior adult ministry.  It’s time to ask the hard questions and wrestle with the difficult answers.

It’s time to eat the elephant.  One bite at a time.

 

Missy Buchanan writes a monthly column, “Aging Well,” for the United Methodist Reporter and hosts Aging and Faith with Missy Buchanan on Blog Talk Radio.  She has also written for many publications including Presbyterians Today, Christian Association Serving Adults Ministries and Good Morning America’s spirituality page. Read more at www.missybuchanan.com.

Reprinted with permission of the United Methodist Reporter, www.umportal.org.

 

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Some Thoughts on Change

by Pastor John Coulombe

 

I read a recent article entitled “12 Things that Became Obsolete This Decade.” It was a stunning read and a wake-up call regarding how quickly our world is changing! Note the facts, and I’m sure we could add to the list:abacus

  1. Calling (replaced with text messaging, Instant Messaging, Tweeting, and emailing).
  2. Classified in newspapers
  3. Dial-up Internet
  4. Encyclopedias
  5. CDs
  6. Landline phones
  7. Film (and film cameras)
  8. Yellow Pages and address books
  9. Catalogs
  10. Fax machines
  11. Wires
  12. Hand-written letters

We feel the pressure to keep up with the times, to stay in touch with our world and the people in our world. After all, the Scriptures seem to be clear regarding the importance of ‘world awareness’…the sons of Issachar were men who understood the times, with knowledge of what Israel should do…(1 Chron. 12:32). We’re also reminded that David served God’s purpose in his own generation…(Acts 13:36). That requires awareness.

However, in our quest to connect and continue to grow on our journey, our heads spin and our hearts churn.  Keeping up with life—and the Jones, Garcias, Steins, Vishus, Abduls–is exhausting. So how then shall we live, keep up with the changes, yet stay focused on God’s purposes? Here are a few suggestions.

There is no constant like change. Everything in life changes, and if it doesn’t it dies or becomes meaningless. Look at your plants, fence, car, house, friendships, dreams, marriage. The world constantly changes and what’s true of biology is also true of faith: if it isn’t growing it’s probably dead. When you’re through changing, you’re through!  Let your roots grow down into Him and draw up nourishment from Him. See that you go on growing in the Lord (Col. 2:7)

Now for a little theology:  The only constant in life is our God. He is unchanging! God never changes, but wants to change us. For I the Lord, do not change (Mal.3:6). You can’t improve on Him; there’s no ‘new and improved God!’ You don’t mess with perfection. Jesus Christ, the same yesterday, today and forever (Heb. 13:8). I find great comfort knowing that our God is not fickle, but is trustworthy, cannot lie and will not change the rules. Yes, there is a new covenant which replaced the old covenant, but that was always in the plan and was designed in eternity past to improve the way we could relate to our God (Heb. 6:17-18)!

It is natural and normal to both love and fear change. Mark Twain commented, “the only person who likes change is a wet baby!” In fact, there is even an official phobia called “misoreism” which is a hatred or fear of change or innovation. So here is a reminder. It is vital that there be change, not just around us, but within us. It’s not wrong to be where we are—it’s just wrong to STAY where we are when it comes to relationships, either earthly or heavenly! Change requires trust, trust requires vulnerability and vulnerability requires submission to Christ and one another.

As we move ahead as a church and as the people of God, may we be open to the changes that are necessary in order for us to relate and reach our world with the Gospel. On the other hand may we hold on to those unchanging truths which will never be outdated and will be good for both time and eternity.

 

So then, my beloved…work out your salvation with fear and trembling; for it is God who is at work in you, both to will and to work for His good pleasure (Phil. 2:12-14).

 

John Coulombe has been in pastoral ministry since Judson Baptist College and Biola/Talbot Seminary days, working with youth in Redondo Beach and Long Beach, and for 17 years with youth and families in Santa Barbara. For 21 years at First Evangelical Free Church in Fullerton, CA, John has served as Pastor to Senior Adults. He and Jacque teach in churches and conferences on issues surrounding marriage, family and grandparenting.

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