The story is that during a recent password audit by Microsoft & Google, it was found that a blonde (why is it always the blonde?) was using the following password:

“MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento”

When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.

This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas, but there are more Catholic churches than casinos.

Not surprisingly, some worshipers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.

Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings.

The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.

This is done by the Chip Monks.

Here’s the way it should be:

Let’s put the seniors in jail and the criminals in nursing homes.

This would correct two things in one motion:

• Seniors would have access to showers, hobbies and walks.
• They would receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs, etc.
• They would receive money instead of having to pay it out.
• They would have constant video monitoring, so they would be helped instantly… if they fell or needed assistance.
• Bedding would be washed twice a week and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them.
• A guard would check on them every 20 minutes.
• All meals and snacks would be brought to them.
• They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose.
• They would have access to a library, weight/fitness room, spiritual counseling, a pool and education…and free admission to in-house concerts by nationally recognized entertainment artists.
• Simple clothing – ie. shoes, slippers, pj’s – and legal aid would be free, upon request.
• There would be private, secure rooms provided for all with an outdoor exercise yard complete with gardens.
• Each senior would have a P.C., T.V., phone and radio in their room at no cost.
• They would receive daily phone calls.
• There would be a board of directors to hear any complaints and the ACLU would fight for their rights and protection.
• The guards would have a code of conduct to be strictly adhered to, with attorneys available, at no charge to protect the seniors and their families from abuse or neglect.

As for the criminals:

• They would receive cold food.
• They would be left alone and unsupervised.
• They would receive showers once a week.
• They would live in tiny rooms, for which they would have to pay $5,000 per month.
• They would have no hope of ever getting out.

“Sounds like justice to me!”

Harry Edsel Smith 
of Albany, New York : 
Born 1903–Died 1942. 
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the 
Car was on the way down.

It was. 
============================= 
In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery: 
Here lies 
an Atheist 
All dressed up and 
no place to go. 
============================= 
On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in 
East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia : 
Here lies 
Ezekial Aikle 
Age 102. 
Only The Good Die Young. 
============================= 
In a London, England cemetery: 
Here lies 
Ann Mann, 
Who lived an old maid 
But died an old Mann. 
Dec. 8, 1767 
============================= 
In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery: 
Anna Wallace 
The children of Israel wanted bread, 
and the Lord sent them manna. 
Clark Wallace wanted a wife, 
And the Devil sent him Anna . 
=============================== 
In a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery: 
Here lies 
Johnny Yeast 
Pardon him for not rising. 
=============================== 
In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania, cemetery: 
Here lies the body of 
Jonathan Blake. 
Stepped on the gas instead of the brake. 
============================== 
In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery: 
Here lies 
“The Kid” 
We planted him raw. 
He was quick on the trigger 
But slow on the draw. 
================================ 
A lawyer’s epitaph in England : 
Sir John Strange 
Here lies an honest lawyer, 
And that is Strange. 
================================= 
John Penny’s epitaph in the Wimborne, 
England, cemetery: 
Reader, if cash thou art in want of any, 
Dig 6 feet deep and thou wilt find a Penny. 
================================== 
In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England : 
On the 22nd of June 
Jonathan Fiddle 
went 
Out of tune. 
============================================================== 
On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket, 
Massachusetts : 
Under the sod and under the trees, 
Lies the body of 
Jonathan Pease . 
He is not here, there’s only the pod. 
Pease shelled out and went to God. 
================================== 
In a cemetery in England : 
Remember man, as you walk by, 
As you are now, so once was I 
As I am now, so shall you be. 
Remember this and follow me.

To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone: 
To follow you I’ll not consent. 
Until I know which way you went.

Thank goodness there’s a name for this disorder.
Somehow I feel better even though I have it!

Provided by CN Building Adult Ministries Resource Center

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. - Age-Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.

As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that
I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table
and notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.

But then I think, since I’m going to be near the mail box
when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my checkbook off the table and see that there is only one check left. 

My extra checks are in my desk in the study so I go inside the house to my desk where
I find the can of Pepsi I’d been drinking.

I’m going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Pepsi aside
so that I don’t accidentally knock it over.

The Pepsi is getting warm and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold

As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi, a vase of flowers on the counter
catches my eye . . . they need water.

I put the Pepsi on the counter and
discover my reading glasses that
I’ve been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I’m going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I’ll be looking for the remote,
but I won’t remember that it’s on the kitchen table,
so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,
but first I’ll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:

the car isn’t washed

the bills aren’t paid

there is a warm can of Pepsi sitting on the counter

the flowers don’t have enough water,

there is still only one check in my check book,

I can’t find the remote,

I can’t find my glasses,

and I don’t remember what I did with the car keys.

When I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I’m baffled because I know I was busy all day and I’m really tired.

—Unknown

Provided by CN Building Adult Ministries Resource Center

A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight.

The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easy.

So the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.

The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists saying that the game is a lot of fun.

‘I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me only $5. Then you ask me one, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $500,’ he says.

This catches the senior’s attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question.  ‘What’s the distance from the Earth to the Moon?’

The senior doesn’t say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now it’s the senior’s turn.  He asks the lawyer, ‘What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?’

The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net.

He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.

He wakes the senior and hands him $500. The senior pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, ‘Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?’

The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip. When leaving, the elderly woman had left her glasses on the table and didn’t miss them until they had been driving for about forty minutes.

By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around in order to go back to the restaurant and retrieve her glasses.

All the way back the husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive.

The more he chided her, the more agitated she became. He just wouldn’t let up for a single minute.

To her relief they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, “While you’re in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card.”

Provided by CN Building Adult Ministries Resource Center

A man on a busy boulevard was being tailgated a woman. Suddenly the light turned yellow in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious. Dropping her cell phone and makeup, she honked her horn, screaming in frustration at having missed her chance to get through the intersection. Still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up at the face of a very serious police officer. He ordered her to exit her car with her hands where he could see them and proceeded to take her to the police station. She was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. The woman was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, “I’m very sorry for this mistake. You see I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak. And I noticed your ‘What Would Jesus Do’ bumper sticker, the ‘Choose Life’ license plate holder, the ‘Follow Me to Sunday-School’ bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car.”

Provided by CN Building Adult Ministries Resource Center

(Classic humor: written by a third grader on what his grandparents do.)

After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school. One child wrote the following:

“We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live in a big brick house, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Arizona. Now they live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on their bicycles, and wear nametags because they don’t know who they are anymore. They go to a building called a wreck center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now, they do exercises there, but they don’t do them very well. There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats on. At their gate, there is a dollhouse with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts. Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing every night, ‘early birds.’ Some of the people can’t get out past the man in the dollhouse. The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck. My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and, says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too. When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.”