Posts Tagged ‘Missy Buchanan’

An Ash Wednesday Reflection

Missy Buchanan

 

At last year’s Ash Wednesday service, my husband and I sat behind an older couple who had been our friends since we first joined the church thirty years before. The elderly pair had served in every imaginable church leadership position during their long lives. Even at age ninety-one, he still taught their adult Sunday school class. She had belonged to the same Methodist congregation since birth.

Years ago when their only child—a son—died tragically at age fourteen, longtime church members said it was the strong faith of the heartbroken couple that had led the rest of the community through the dark days of doubt. Now all these years later, they were still active in the church, supporting every youth program, mission effort, and building project. Incredibly generous and faithful, they were what most people would have described as pillars of the church.

As the first hymn of the Lenten service was announced, we watched the older couple struggle to get to their feet. It would have been understandable if they have chosen to remain seated, but they seemed determined to stand. No doubt their joints were aching and their energy was waning.

After we were seated again, we heard them discuss in loud “stage whispers” if they would go down to the front of the church for the imposition of ashes. She was concerned that she’d be slow and hold up the line. Maybe they should wait for the minister to come to them, she said. But after a brief back-and-forth conversation, they chose to go forward with the rest of the congregation.

When the moment came to get in line, the elderly woman purposely left behind her three-pronged cane. She clung to her elderly husband as they inched their way into the center aisle. At the same time my husband and I slipped out of our seats and took our places behind them in a line of familiar faces.

That’s when I experienced a holy moment. I glanced at the floor and saw the feet of this older couple. Sensible shoes, slow painful steps. I realized that we were literally and figuratively walking in their footsteps.

As the couple drew near to the ministers, I felt my eyes fill with tears. I was humbled by their powerful witness and faith. Though life was not easy, they pressed forward. They stopped and leaned on each other as they received the sign of the cross on their foreheads then began their trek up a side aisle.

Once we were seated again, I kept my eye on the line of congregants continuing to file past us as they made their way down the center aisle. There were several families with young children, single mothers, middle-aged professionals, retired empty-nesters and a large group of teenagers. I wondered if any of them had paid attention to the older couple who had gone before them. Had they seen them modeling courage in the face of uncertainty? Had they looked around to see other older adults who were also standing firm in faith?

One thing I know for sure. Caught up in our own hurried lives, we have a tendency to miss holy moments that are right in front of us. Sometimes all we have to do is look down to see the feet of those going before us in faith.

 

Missy Buchanan writes a monthly column, “Aging Well,” for the United Methodist Reporter and hosts Aging and Faith with Missy Buchanan on Blog Talk Radio. She has also written for many publications including Presbyterians Today, Ministry Matters, and Good Morning America’s spirituality page. Read more at www.missybuchanan.com. 

Reprinted with permission from MinistryMatters.com.

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Index Card Insights

Missy Buchanan

 

I often have the opportunity to lead older adult retreats around the country. During the events of the day, I like to mix in activities that cause older adults to honestly reflect on their lives. Sometimes I give each senior adult a large index card and ask them to write ten ways they do NOT want to be remembered after they die. Usually I can see their eyes cut toward one another as if they are anxious to know what others are writing. There are always a few muffled comments before the group draws quiet and begins to really think and write.

For those who choose to share their comments with the group, there are common responses, like not wanting to be remembered as mean or grumpy. One man wrote that he did not want to be remembered as a liar or a cheat. Sometimes people write about not wanting to be remembered as uncaring, selfish, lazy or as someone filled with self-pity.

Typically, the further older adults go down their list of ten things, the more personal their responses seem to become. I remember one woman who got misty-eyed as she explained that she did not want to be remembered as someone her grandchildren dreaded to visit. She went on to confess that as she had aged, she had developed a critical spirit that had driven her family away.

A silver-haired great-grandmother wrote that she didn’t want to be remembered as an old woman who spent all day in a wheelchair and talked only about the past. A 90 year-old man using a cane said that he didn’t want to be remembered as someone the caregivers dreaded to help. Another man drew serious, then talked about not wanting to be remembered as a pompous know-it-all who lectured his children and grandchildren at every opportunity.

Over the years, I have discovered that this activity often hits a nerve for many older adults. Like holding a mirror in front of your face, it can be painful to recognize ourselves in the answers. Yet it offers a great opportunity for change.

Not long ago, a woman told me that she carries the worn index card in her purse as a reminder of how she doesn’t want to behave. The exercise had made her stop and think about how she talks to her daughter and grandchildren. She realized that she had been behaving in ways that were contradictory to building the healthy relationships she wanted to have. She confessed that she had been a nit-picker for much of her late life, but she discovered that it wasn’t too late to stop. The card, she said, was her daily reminder.

The point is, when you look at a situation in reverse, there is a good chance that you will discover a deep well of truth. By looking at the question of how you do NOT want to be remembered after you die, you may see things in yourself that you’d rather not see. But that is just the beginning! Once you see yourself more clearly, you are better able to make changes that will impact your life and the lives of others in a positive way, no matter your age. So, go ahead. Give the exercise a try and see for yourself.

 

Missy Buchanan writes a monthly column, “Aging Well,” for the United Methodist Reporter and hosts Aging and Faith with Missy Buchanan on Blog Talk Radio. She has also written for many publications including Presbyterians Today, Christian Association Serving Adults Ministries and Good Morning America’s spirituality page. Read more at www.missybuchanan.com. 

Reprinted with permission from MinistryMatters.com.

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Staying Alert to Life’s Simple Blessings

Missy Buchanan

 

A few years ago, an older friend lost his wife to a sudden, unexpected illness and death. He was overwhelmed with grief and wondered how he would go on living without her.

One of their old friends phoned him when she first heard the news. She was living in Europe at the time and had been unable to return for the memorial service. They talked for a while, and she voiced her heartfelt condolences before making an unusual request. She asked my friend to send her an e-mail each day listing three blessings that he had experienced during the last twenty-four hours.

My brokenhearted friend said it was not something he really wanted to do. It was difficult to think about blessings when he didn’t even feel like getting out of bed. Still, he tried. Over the next few days, he began to list things like the morning sunrise, the smell of fresh-brewed coffee and a bowl of homemade soup shared by a neighbor. A few days later he noticed the first bloom on the rose bush and the way golden light spilled across his wife’s photograph in the late afternoon.

After weeks of emailing his friend a list of daily blessings, he says he felt his spirit slowly being lifted from the pit of despair. It didn’t happen overnight, but one day he realized that he was actually enjoying looking for simple blessings. Though he still misses his wife terribly, he says the blessing activity was key to helping him want to live once again.

There are many other older adults who are also grieving losses. For some like my friend, it is the death of a spouse or loved one. For others, it is the loss of independence and mobility that accompanies aging, including giving up the keys to the car. Some may also mourn the loss of their homes and belongings, and all that is familiar as they transition to new living situations.

As Thanksgiving approaches, it seems the perfect time to invite older adults to discover blessings that often go overlooked. When I speak to senior adult groups at churches or at residence centers, I encourage the older adults to keep a blessing book, a journal in which they write a set number of blessings each day.  Being intentional in keeping a written account of blessings helps one to create a habit of looking at life with eyes of gratitude.

The church should not forget that even the most faithful saints grow weary under the weight of depression or sadness that often comes as they grow frail or experience loss. Helping seniors actively look for blessings in their midst is an important part of ministry to the aged. I can’t help but think of how wonderful it would be if every church provided a special blessing journal for each of its older adults? Or if churches developed a blessing buddy ministry in which seniors share their blessings with another person like my friend did?

May we be people who will come alongside our elders who are struggling in the journey. May we help them to see God’s faithfulness in their lives. For if we do, we, too, will be blessed.

 

Missy Buchanan writes a monthly column, “Aging Well,” for the United Methodist Reporter and hosts Aging and Faith with Missy Buchanan on Blog Talk Radio.  She has also written for many publications including Presbyterians Today, Christian Association Serving Adults Ministries and Good Morning America’s spirituality page. Read more at www.missybuchanan.com. 

Reprinted with permission from MinistryMatters.com

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The Elephant

by Missy Buchanan

 

There’s an elephant in the room.  It’s enormous, and many church leaders are ignoring it because they don’t know what to do about it. It’s time to look the elephant in the eye.  The church is aging quickly, and senior adult ministries are struggling.  Whew.  It’s been said.  Now can we talk about it?

The trend is nothing new.  Church leadership has known for years that people are living longer and that congregations are graying.  There’s been lots of talk about how to get younger leadership involved as a way to reinvigorate the church. But few people seem to be considering the far reaching implications for ministry to the fast growing population of senior adults.

Jack Phelps, Associate Pastor at Crestview Baptist Church in Georgetown, TX, knows the issues well.  There are more than 500 senior adults in his congregation in a city known for its retirement communities.  “ I truly believe that the greatest challenge facing churches today is simply understanding that the population is graying and that church memberships are graying at an even faster rate.”  “Though most churches have a minister responsible for a youth program, few have a minister assigned to the seniors.  Almost none have a minister who is trained to do so,” continues Phelps, whose seminary degree includes a concentration in gerontology.

Aubrey Patterson, retired minister and currently the chaplain at Rest Haven Funeral Home in Rockwall, TX, agrees, noting that many churches have a pastoral care minister whose title includes senior adult ministries.

“The problem is that these pastors are stretched thin, trying to minister to congregants of all ages who are ill or hospitalized plus regularly visiting the homebound and senior care residents.  Add to that organizing senior adult fellowship events and retreats, Sunday School classes and Bible studies.  It’s no wonder the church needs to seriously rethink how it is doing senior adult ministry.”

No doubt, church leaders would agree that ministry was not intended to be done by professional staff alone.  Both Phelps and Patterson enthusiastically recount how senior adults are great at caring for other seniors who are less able — a ministry of seniors caring for seniors.  But as the population of elderly explodes, there is concern about whether or not the church is equipped to handle the surge and the complexity of issues.

Dr. Richard Gentzler, Director of the Center on Aging and Older Adult Ministries for The United Methodist Church, suggests one problem is that many congregations are afraid of being labeled as dying churches if they emphasize senior adult ministries. But Gentzler maintains that churches without senior adults are missing a great resource of wisdom and life experience.

Patterson agrees, adding that some churches also make the mistake of lumping all senior adults into one ministry.  “The needs and abilities of an active 70-year old are quite different from a homebound 88-year old.  It is not a one-size-fits-all ministry.” Even defining senior ministry by age can miss the mark since physical abilities, not age, tend to identify senior adult subsets.  Gentzler refers to the subgroups of senior adults as the go-gos, the slow-gos and the no-gos, perhaps providing a more realistic way to discuss the unique needs of each group.

 

Tim Washburn, Senior Adult Pastor at First Baptist Church of Jackson, Mississippi considers reaching the Boomers as one of the greatest challenges facing the church.  “People in their fifties and sixties typically reject the notion of aging.  They especially resist cutesy ministry names that try to disguise the senior identity.  Getting this group plugged in and keeping them from feeling old is going to be a real challenge for the church in the near future.”

Even so, boomers are already faced with issues involving their own aging parents. Much of Phelps’ ministry involves helping families navigate real life concerns about older loved ones.  What should be the church’s role in helping Dad give up the keys to the car?  How do you convince a weary spouse that she needs more care for her husband with Alzheimer’s?  How can you help siblings work together in the best interest of their older family members, especially when there are unresolved issues that fester up in times of crisis?

Then there is the issue of unchurched seniors.  Patterson says his position as a chaplain has brought to light a surprising number of older adults who have no church home at all.  “Many are struggling with deep spiritual issues and are longing for relationship with someone who will just sit and talk.”  And what about newly planted churches with few or no senior adult members?  How will they respond to the needs of older adults in the community?  Or what about churches with small memberships and only one pastor?

 

Certainly the church can no longer ignore the elephant in the room.  Effective senior adult ministry will take more than good intentions to meet the spectrum of challenges and opportunities. Phelps believes that creating a true Biblical model of an intergenerational church should be the top priority.

“At my church in Georgetown, TX, we encourage social interaction between age groups and serving one another.  The youth serve as waiters at the senior adult banquet, and the senior adults serve over 20,000 meals and snacks to the 1,000 children attending our summer camp.  Our young children create hand made greetings cards that our weekly visitation teams delivers to shut-ins.”

Washburn concurs that serving one another is key. His church’s senior choir sponsors a Christmas party at the church for almost 700 homebound and nursing home residents, helping with decorations, food and transportation.  He also notes that it is vital to find ways to keep older adults connected to the church.  “We are exploring ways to use the Internet to keep our seniors in residence centers connected to their Sunday School rooms.”

It’s true that the elephant in the room stirs up a lot of complicated issues, but the scriptural mandate is clear.  It’s time for the church to start talking seriously about senior adult ministry.  It’s time to ask the hard questions and wrestle with the difficult answers.

It’s time to eat the elephant.  One bite at a time.

 

Missy Buchanan writes a monthly column, “Aging Well,” for the United Methodist Reporter and hosts Aging and Faith with Missy Buchanan on Blog Talk Radio.  She has also written for many publications including Presbyterians Today, Christian Association Serving Adults Ministries and Good Morning America’s spirituality page. Read more at www.missybuchanan.com.

Reprinted with permission of the United Methodist Reporter, www.umportal.org.

 

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Missy Buchanan

Meet Contributing Author Missy Buchanan

Missy Buchanan will be at ILC-Anaheim 2011 presenting, “The Far Side of Life’s Timeline: Reaching the Oldest Old in a Culture of Youth.”

 

Aging Faithfully: 28 Days of Prayer Old age isn’t punishment but a gift from God, says Missy Buchanan. In fact, aging is part of God’s plan. In her typical upbeat style, Buchanan focuses on the positive aspects of aging. Discover what it means to age joyfully every day through these Bible-based meditations, prayers, and practical suggestions. Includes Reflection Questions for groups or individuals.

Don’t Write my Obituary Just Yet: Inspiring Faith Stories for Older Adults The 30 stories in this book give us glimpses into the lives of ordinary people who range from 70 to 100 years old. Some of these folks are active; others are dealing with physical or mental decline. All exemplify how strong faith can help us overcome struggles and sorrows and live in hope.

Talking with God in Old Age: Meditations and Psalms This collection of 42 moving prayerful meditations pairs each devotion with a passage from the Psalms. All express the myriad ways older adults ask themselves, and ask God, “What’s the purpose of my life now that I’m so old?” These prayers flow out of real-life experience, particularly of the frail elderly.

Living with Purpose in a Worn-Out Body: Spiritual Encouragement for Older Adults Devotions written in the first person allow readers to speak directly to God about the pills they take, the walkers they need to be mobile, the ambulances that take away their friends, and other befuddling moments from life. Supporting scriptures from the New Testament and Psalms are included with each meditation.

 

Missy Buchanan writes a monthly column, “Aging Well,” for the United Methodist Reporter and hosts Aging and Faith with Missy Buchanan on Blog Talk Radio.  She has also written for many publications including Presbyterians Today, Christian Association Serving Adults Ministries and Good Morning America’s spirituality page. Read more at www.missybuchanan.com.

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Intergenerational ministry takes relationship building

Missy Buchanan

Provided by CN Building Adult Ministries Resource Center

Not long ago, I sat in a whale-watching boat in the blue waters of Washington State. Our captain told us about the pod of whales we were following. Known as the J pod, the family group was led by 60-year-old Ruffles and his 90-year-old mother. Trailing behind them were other members of the pod. Together they represented four, maybe five generations.

As the boat’s engine went silent, we began to scan the water for dorsal fins and tail slaps. The captain explained how these whales formed lifelong bonds and helped care for one another. In many ways, it seemed to parallel the full family of God. I continued to think about the whales and about mixing ages in intergenerational ministry. I wondered what that kind of ministry is and what is it not.

I posed the question to the Rev. Tom Beagan, a United Methodist minister from the Detroit Conference who is the director of The Logos Ministry, which trains church leaders for effective family ministry. Mr. Beagan says that just because a church has mixed ages in worship or in fellowship does not mean intergenerational ministry is taking place.

If relationships among people of all ages are not being intentionally built and strengthened, he says, and if young and old are not serving side-by-side, it is not authentic intergenerational ministry. Intergenerational ministry stands in contrast to much of our culture, Mr. Beagan adds. Think about it. Most schools and sports teams are divided into age brackets. Even churches segregate ministries by age. Children and youth have their own ministry staff and meeting spaces; adults have their own.

Though age separations are reasonable and necessary at times, they can easily become a barrier to becoming the true body of Christ. How then do we break down those generational barriers that keep us from being a full family of God?

The Rev. Ann Willet, senior pastor of FUMC Royse City, Texas, talks about her vision of having worship led by people of all generations—and not just on special occasions. She encourages multi-aged, small-group Bible studies as one way to cross the generational divide. She also described the magic of seeing gray heads worshipping next to their young faith partners as a vital part of the confirmation experience.

The Rev. Jennifer Scott, pastor of children’s ministries of FUMC Coppell, Texas, recognized the potential of intergenerational ministry when she first paired older adults with younger folks as prayer partners. As mixed generations regularly met together to pray in the chapel, bonds were formed between the age groups. She has also organized her church’s first Intergenerational Mission Retreat.

Both pastors agree that building relationships between young and old is more important now than ever before, because many children and youth have limited interaction with older relatives who live far away. Unless the church is deliberate in its intergenerational ministry efforts, there may be little opportunity for younger folks to bond with older adults.

True intergenerational ministry requires churches to rethink the way they are doing current ministries, says Mr. Beagan. Instead of youth-only mission trips, consider church-wide mission trips that are planned by the youth, but open to all.

Instead of nursing home ministries carried out by active retirees, ask children’s choirs to participate alongside their older counterparts in providing monthly worship services. Youth might use their computer skills to teach older adults how to e-mail and explore the Internet.

There is tremendous strength in intergenerational ministry. Not as another program, but as a way of being the church at its best. Start small, if you must, to build relationships among the generations. Encourage young and old to serve alongside each other. Whatever you do, don’t wait. Just start!

Reprinted with permission United Methodist Reporter
Ms. Buchanan, a member of FUMC Rockwall, Texas, is author of the upcoming Talking with God in Old Age: Meditations and Psalms (Upper Room Books).

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What younger folks wish older folks would learn

Missy Buchanan, Provided by CN Building Adult Ministries Resource Center

Recently my 25-year-old daughter Beth was offended by something she’d read on Twitter: “There is nothing wrong with today’s teenager that 20 years won’t cure.” Even though she is no longer a teen, she was frustrated by the general assumption about young people and also the condescending tone.

Not surprisingly, my daughter is not alone. Last month I invited young people to share their thoughts about what they wished older adults understood about them. I received comments from young clergy, teenagers, youth directors and young adults. Almost every response I received mentioned words like “patronizing” or “belittling.”

Several young people told how the critical spirit of a few older adults unfairly casts a harsh light on all older adults.

One young man wished older adults understood that just because young people voice new ideas does not mean they are being disrespectful. Nor does it mean that they are trying to undermine anyone. They just want to be taken seriously by their elders.

A 34-year-old minister shared his frustration with those older adults who choose to dwell in the past and refuse to look to the future. As I often say to older adult groups, “It’s wonderful to stroll through the good ol’ days; just don’t park your RV and dwell there.”

Emily Sears, a student at Texas Christian University, wanted to remind older adults that in today’s secular culture, it is not easy for young people to walk the Christian talk. She made the point that life today is different than it was even a decade ago. With so many distractions and temptations, the youth of the church need encouragement and support from its older adults more than ever.

Glenn Miller, director of student ministries at Northside United Methodist Church in Jackson, Tenn., said older adults might be surprised to learn that young people often want to emulate positive attributes they see in their older counterparts. Many young people, he said, view older adults as accomplished, wise and comfortable in their own skin. He added that the so-called generational gap might be over-inflated, because he sees more similarities than differences between age groups, with fear being the greatest common denominator.

The lay leader for the North Texas Conference, Richard Hearne, shared his experience attending a recent Older Adult Ministry meeting in Nashville, Tenn. In an adjacent room, the Young Adult Ministry meeting was going on. When it was time to eat, the two groups segregated themselves by age at different tables in the dining hall. On the second day, Mr. Hearne invited a group of young people to join their table of older adults.

What followed was a whirlwind of conversation. After posing the question about what each group would like the other group to understand, everyone seemed to get excited.

Mr. Hearne said he learned that young people believe there are basically two types of adults in the church: those who want to retain all the power and those who are eager to pass the power on to the younger crowd, but offer little support.

One of the young participants captured what many other young persons seem to be thinking. Young people are anxious to assume responsibility and leadership roles in the church but they also want to be mentored and encouraged.

In some ways it is like teaching someone to ride a bike. First you show them the mechanics of the bicycle. Then you steady them and give them a push. Finally you run alongside, wildly cheering them on.

What older adults want young people to know and what young people want older adults to know are both important questions. We need to keep asking them. In youth groups and church councils. In seminaries and in families.

Then if we are truly to be the church, we must listen.

Ms. Buchanan, a member of FUMC Rockwall, Texas, is the author of Living with Purpose in a Worn Out Body (Upper Room Books).

Reprinted with permission from UM PORTAL

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The Family Table

Missy Buchanan, Provided by CN Building Adult Ministries Resource Center

A couple of years ago, my husband and I built a smaller home to mark the beginning of a new season in our lives. Our youngest child had completed college and had accepted a job in New York. We were real empty nesters, not just the part-time kind where kids occasionally come home to raid the pantry.

Not surprisingly, we soon discovered that transitioning to an empty nest brings mixed emotions. Though we were immensely proud of our adult children, there was a tinge of sadness knowing that life would never be the same. The decision to sell the home where we had raised our children was not an easy one, especially for this sentimental mother.

Throughout the years, the house had lovingly wrapped its arms around our family. It was the backdrop to Christmas mornings, swim parties and backyard baseball games. It was also where broken hearts were mended and beloved family members were mourned.

But life brings change. Kids grow up and leave behind dried corsages. Their sports trophies and baseball cards begin to collect dust in silent rooms. Sometimes you just know when it’s time to move on.

As we designed the plans for the new house, I began to think about which dining table to take with us. In the big house, there had been two dining areas. There was a casual, octagon-shaped table where we ate most of our meals and practiced spelling words. There was also a formal dining room where three generations of family gathered for special occasions around a table dressed with linens and china.

In our quest to simplify our lives, we had decided that the new house would have only one dining area. The only problem was that neither of the two tables seemed to fit. One was not the right shape; the other was too formal. So forgoing sentimentality, we had a table custom-built to fit the new space.

It is a sturdy, extra-wide rectangular table. It has a bench instead of chairs on one side, making it perfect for squeezing in the next generation of family members alongside our 1-year-old grandson.

It made me think about a conversation I‘d recently overheard in the church parking lot. A group of young mothers were chatting about their over-scheduled lives. They talked about shuffling children to dance and piano lessons, soccer practice and a host of after-school activities.

One mother of three confessed that her family rarely sits down to eat together. Her husband has an unpredictable schedule, so the children usually fill their plates in the kitchen then scatter to eat in their own rooms equipped with computers and televisions.

Listening to their discussion left me feeling a little gloomy. From statistics I’ve read, I knew this young mother was not alone. The number of families who actually sit down at the table to eat together is in decline. More than ever, kids are chomping down on nuggets and fries in the back seat of a van on the way to or from another event.

I thought back to the ordinary conversations around our family table. About the countless times one of the kids left the table to get an encyclopedia to settle a question about geography or history, sparked by something someone said.

I thought about the times we laughed so hard at one of my father’s stories, the entire table would shake. I thought about the times when one of the kids was angry or sad but inwardly knew that there would always be a place for him at the table.

In this season of Advent, I have a Christmas wish: that each of us would take time to prepare the family table as we also prepare our hearts for the coming of the Christ Child. Let us make room at the table and time for each other. Let us create a place where generations gather often, not just on Christmas Day. A place where hands are held and prayers are offered. A place where everyone is welcome.

Ms. Buchanan, a member of FUMC Rockwall, Texas, is the author of the upcoming release Talking with God in Old Age: Meditations and Psalms (Upper Room Books).

Reprinted with permission from UM Reporter

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